David Hogg, Probably Still A Virgin, Says He’ll Never Have Kids In America

Photo illustration by Joel Gibbons/Daily Caller

Kay Smythe News and Commentary Writer
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David Hogg has probably never been laid, which is likely why he’d find it so easy to write off having kids in America.

Hogg went on what can only be described as a word-vomit tirade where he wrote things like, “kids are the new boats,” and “kids are nice but most people can’t afford them,” as if humans didn’t have children before money was invented. He also noted that, a “BIG reason I will never have kids in the US- I refuse to raise kids in a country that values fucking guns over children’s lives.”

I’m not sure what Hogg thinks guns are for, but I am pretty sure that in America, they’re not for fucking, Dave. I’ve personally never met anyone who has sex with firearms.

Also, kids are not boats. Boats you can take out on a lake and drink some ice cold beers while aboard. It’s illegal to sail your child as far as I’m aware. Either way, boats and kids are not the same thing.

Not that anyone cares about Hogg’s personal procreation choices, but as a legal resident alien in this, the greatest country on Earth, I find it exhausting when Americans disrespect the sheer luck they have in being born here. Sure, I’ve only been in the U.S. for a little under a decade, but y’all’s concept of “freedom” really isn’t found anywhere else in the world.

It’s this and so much more than makes America #1, so why wouldn’t you want to raise children here? Not that I want Hogg to have children, of course. (RELATED: I Obtained Hillary’s New TV Series ‘Gutsy’ Early (And, For The Record, I’m Not Suicidal))

I know his preference is to act out the wills of every nouveau riche Gen Z loser and get himself a Porsche (shit car, totally lame, just goes fast but can’t carry any apocalypse supplies) and a Portuguese water dog and golden doodle (inbred scruff balls, probably very lovely), and AMERICAN FREEDOM supports him in this pursuit.

Who even needs taste when you have freedom? Hogg, you are free to remain a virgin forever in what I’m assuming will be a cherry red Porsche with your two dogs, probably named Hillary and Chelsea as an homage, not ironically.

Jokes aside, I am not trying to take away from the fact that Hogg went through a deeply traumatic experience as a result of guns, so I can somewhat see where his adolescent mind is coming from. However, as a victim of gun violence myself, one who cannot wait to have children, I have to ask: what would you use to defend and protect your most precious creation if not a gun?