Satire

America Is Playing To Win Again, And It’s Pissing People Off

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Scoops Delacroix Freelance Writer
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Cheating is back with a vengeance, folks.

In just the last few weeks, we’ve seen scandals erupt in the worlds of fishing, motorsports, poker and chess. It’s prompting the usual suspects to churn out navel-gazing columns and tweets about silly concepts like “integrity” and the “spirit of the game.” (RELATED: David Hookstead Is The True King In The North When It Comes To College Football)

American chess grandmaster Hans Niemann is accused of cheating in at least 100 online matches, and potentially even some in-person ones, by using vibrating anal beads. Two fishermen were improperly weighing their catches. Poker player Robbi Jade Lew is accused of cheating in a high-profile head-to-head match.

Some columnists would tell you these scandals are a “threat to integrity” and make them “sick to their stomachs.”

This is, simply put, a loser mentality.

If Your Not First Your Last GIFs | Tenor

Where I’m from, in the icy forests of Quebec, they say “if you ain’t cheatin’, you ain’t tryin’.” This is a particularly popular saying in racing, which makes it all the more curious that NASCAR fined driver Cole Custer for “illegally” holding up traffic to clear a path for his teammate Chase Briscoe last weekend.

Are Americans tired of winning? Since when do we condemn the greatest champions among us for going the extra mile to pursue immortality?

If George Washington had lied about chopping down the cherry tree, we might have won the Revolutionary War faster. Maybe we could have brought democracy to the Middle East if we waterboarded more terrorists. Of course, we’ll never know, because our leaders are too caught up with things like “honesty” and “the rule of law.”

Barry Bonds was sauced to the gills when he broke the home run record. Lance Armstrong beat cancer and the rest of the cycling world with a little help from his pharmaceutical friends. The Patriots cheated at least two times with deflategate and spygate and they’re the greatest dynasty in sports history.

Lance-Armstrong-Lie-GiF ⋆ BYT // Brightest Young Things

It’s time society heralds this new generation of winners as the legends they are, rather than showing off with moral preening for the rest of the peanut gallery.