The Daily Caller defeated the Daily Caller News Foundation in the annual cross-company football game this past Saturday by a score of 7-3.
The News Foundation emerged with a technical victory in game two of the double header, 5-4, meaning the for-profit wing won on aggregate 11-8. The second game was rife with blown calls and dirty hits, namely by DCNF managing editor Michael Bastasch, whose prior athletic endeavors consist primarily of being used as equipment in dwarf-tossing competitions. (RELATED: David
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Game 1 saw a dominant offensive performance from for-profit, led by Editor-in-Chief Geoffrey Ingersoll at QB, editor John “White Randy Moss” Loftus at WR and Fact-Checker Elias Atienza at TE. Atienza notched 4 touchdowns as a lethal short-range weapon, and Loftus consistently got behind the defense and caught jump-ball after jump-ball as a field-stretcher.
Congressional Correspondent and defensive MVP Michael “Iron Dome” Ginsberg led the way on defense, breaking up so many aerial attacks that Rep. Adam Kinzinger requested he be deployed over Ukrainian airspace first thing Monday. Chief Foreign Affairs Correspondent and Senior Shitposter Dylan Housman made several impact plays, including a key pass-breakup on sixth down in the endzone and a picturesque toe-tapping sideline catch for a TD.
The non-profit outfit made things more competitive in game 2, beginning when editor Ailan Evans speared Ingersoll as the latter climbed the ladder for a perfectly-thrown deep ball in the endzone from Housman on the game’s opening drive. Ingersoll was declared out with a lower body injury, and Evans has since been fired. He was reportedly seen working the graveyard janitorial shift Sunday night at the Washington Examiner offices.
Education reporter Reagan Reese was the most lethal pass-catcher on the day for the DCNF. The former collegiate softball standout used her speed to separate from man coverage for more than a dozen grabs on underneath routes, marching the non-profit offense down the field. She was eventually double-teamed by the DC defense, leaving editor Graham Dudley open to secure the game-winning catch. Politics reporter Arjun Singh, finally wearing clothing other than a three-piece suit, dropped several passes and thoroughly failed to back up his extensive trash talk. He was later seen drinking “milk” at the Queen Vic and offering a spirited defense of the half-windsor.
Perhaps the key moment of the game came about halfway through, with the DC facing its final chance sixth-down inside the one-yard line. Offensive Coordinator Housman drew up a brilliant power sweep, as he, video editor Gregorio Veluz and Atienza laid three devastating edge-setting blocks to free up Ginsberg, who took a toss from Loftus to the edge for a touchdown. However, due to a hissy-fit outburst from Bastasch and Evans, the touchdown was overturned as Ginsberg was deemed “down by contact” at the one-inch line.
Bastasch immediately signed with the NFL as a replacement referee, and on Sunday called a roughing the passer penalty after a light gust of wind caused Tom Brady’s hair to stand up on the sidelines.
Atienza secured the offensive MVP honors for the day on a 50-yard bomb into the back of the endzone from Housman. Even humble whaling enthusiast Scoops Delacroix got in on the action with his patented “Scoopsflicker.” Delacroix handed the ball off to himself, before pitching it back to Scoops, who then threw a 40-yard bomb to Delacroix for the touchdown. The no profit, no defense nerds never knew what hit ’em.
But it wasn’t enough, as the DCNF triumphed in the highly-contentious game two. A winner-take-all rubber match is set for 2023, with more details to come.
Tennie Jaer contributed to this report.