Shitting Yourself During A Locker Room Brawl Is Actually A Bold Tactical Move


Scoops Delacroix Freelance Writer
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You see a laughing stock, a man in a state of humiliation. I see Sun Tzu reincarnate.

Today’s column is a bit different. I’m not tackling a key cultural issue like hot women in sports or spreading the gospel of whaling — it’s time to go full John Madden on the internet’s latest great fight video. (RELATED: Sorry Haters: Hot Women Playing Sports Is Pure America)

You can see the video here. It begins in a fairly mundane manner. Two men in a gym locker room, one shirtless, the other seemingly a bit distressed (it will soon become evident why.) A high testosterone environment. Two alphas with only enough space for one. We’ve all been there.


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What separates this fight from the rest is the innovative defensive display we get from shirt guy. Shirtless guy is clearly the aggressor. He gets the drop on shirt guy and stays on the front foot for the duration of the bout, to the point that all hope looks lost. (RELATED: David Hookstead Is The True King In The North When It Comes To College Football)

Then, we hear the cameraman exclaim that someone farted. Moments later, someone has evidently shat themselves, the man says. Then we see it. The doo doo. Someone has doo doo’d right there on the locker room floor, soon to be absorbed in a mean athlete’s foot cocktail.

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A casual observer may see this and think, “wow, shirt guy (we’ll now call him doo doo man”) was literally scared shitless. What a beatdown. He can never recover from this.”

But that casual observer would be wrong. An Omega Male would be thinking about avoiding embarrassment. He would rather take the beatdown and maintain some false sense of dignity than do whatever it takes to win. An Alpha, on the other hand, would think to use whatever was at his disposal to improve his odds of survival.

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He didn’t have a weapon to reach for, or a friend to phone. But he did have a turd to shit. And shit he did. You’ll notice that as soon as the doo doo is discovered, shirtless guy appears stunned and loses some control of the altercation. More critically, at that moment, a bystander begins to intervene and break up the fight, granting doo doo man a reprieve from the onslaught.

True Alphas know that not every altercation is winnable. Sometimes you’re gonna get had. Every great fighter has a loss or a moment of doubt at some point. Rising above and doing whatever it takes to get up off the mat, including shitting yourself, is the sign of a true warrior. (RELATED: Matt Barnes Is Wrong — Only Men Can Save Women’s Sports)

People questioned the forward pass when it was introduced in football. The defensive shift in baseball is despised by anachronistic haters of the future. Some of you may think the doo doo defense should be written off as well.

Nay. There’s no doubt that soon enough in the octagon the doo doo defense will be a commonplace tactic. People will wonder how anyone ever won a fight without shitting themselves to gain an upper hand. Until then, this video will remain the peak of modern combat sports for the foreseeable future.

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