QUAY: Sam Brinton For President

(Photo by Tasia Wells/Getty Images for The Trevor Project)

Grayson Quay News & Opinion Editor
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President Biden is an old, straight, white, cis man. He belongs to a bygone era. It’s time for generational change.  

Pundits have suggested a wide variety of possible replacements for 2024, each with his or her own strengths. But that’s the problem. “His or her.” We’ve had 45 cisgender presidents. That stops now.

Today, I offer Sam Brinton — Biden’s deputy assistant secretary for spent fuel and waste disposition — my endorsement for President of the United States. 

No other candidate better embodies the values that make America great. We’re pioneers. Boundary breakers. Our Manifest Destiny carried us from one coast to the other. Today, our frontiers are not geographical, but sexual. Once, we liberated other nations from communism and fascism. Today, we free them from transphobia and heteronormativity.

As a gender-fluid, bisexual kink and bondage expert, President Brinton could inspire a new generation of kids to seek out puberty blockers while showing the rest of the world what America really stands for. Under the Brinton administration, we could double the length of Pride Month, put a drag queen in every classroom and ensure the Progress Flag flies from every U.S. embassy. (RELATED: Biden’s Genderfluid Nuclear Waste Official Charged — Again — With Stealing Someone’s Luggage)

Imagine, if you will, our first they/them president stepping up to the podium in Riyadh wearing a dog mask and a leather harness and declaring to the entire Saudi royal family that “furries’ rights are human rights.”

With the right campaign strategy, Brinton could replicate Jimmy Carter’s success in the election of 1976. After all, they share a strong Baptist upbringing, expertise in nuclear energy and (presumably) knowledge of how to tie complex knots (Carter was in the Navy, after all).

They might even manage to improve on Biden’s share of the Catholic vote. Brinton once performed with the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, a group of gay activists who do drag shows in nun costumes and sexualize the crucified Jesus. Focus group responses suggest Catholics who objected to Biden’s offensive caricature of their religion might be less put-off by Brinton’s antics. 

I would, of course, be remiss if I didn’t address the elephant in the room. Yes, Brinton has been placed on leave and is facing felony charges for allegedly stealing women’s suitcases from airport baggage carousels. The right-wing media is determined to turn this into a scandal, just like the Trumpist radicals at the outlet LGBTQ Nation tried to smear our future president for lying about his experience with conversion therapy. But it’s not a scandal. In fact, it might be Brinton’s greatest strength. (RELATED: Biden’s Genderfluid, Drag Queen Nuclear Official Charged With Stealing Woman’s Luggage)

Brinton is a biological male, but they isn’t one of those Republican chauvinists who want to ban abortion and birth control without even understanding how the female body works. No, Brinton is a true feminist ally. There’s nothing they won’t do to demonstrate their enduring solidarity with the women of this great nation. 

Ladies, you can trust President Brinton to represent your interests, because they truly has walked a mile in your stiletto heels and unwashed panties.