Legislation up for vote in New Mexico in 2023 would make it the first state in America to have its own official smell.
Democratic New Mexico state Sen. William Soules is sponsoring a bill that would add the smell of green chiles roasting in the fall as the official state aroma. Soules hopes that the bill will have a positive impact on state tourism.
With this in mind, my amazing editor Grayson Quay suggested that I come up with a list of “official aromas” for other states. The only difference between my choices and New Mexico’s is that mine are slightly more reputationally driven.
California: Homeless Death, Poop, and Democrat Corruption
The Golden State was once a type of paradise on Earth. Less than a decade ago, perhaps the official aroma could have been warm ocean air drifting over the desert. But California has since descended into the nation’s greatest open air asylum for the criminally insane due to the stupidity of predominantly Democrat-led legislation.
New York: Would smell like calm forests but is overpowered by rotten fish from New York City
But for the thriving metropolis of New York City, New York state’s official aroma would likely be derived from the gorgeous natural landscape offered by this small parcel of American culture. As soon as you leave the city, New York invites guests and residents into a stunning mixture of coasts and countryside. It’s a bummer that NYC’s fishy grossness overpowers it.
Tennessee: Morgan Wallen’s mullet
Arguably Tennessee’s most vocal native of the moment, country music icon Morgan Wallen owns the aroma of the southern state. Some might have thought barbe-que, wood burning in a hot stove, or grits might have made the cut, these are way too obvious and boring for me.
Plus, this list is supposed to be ridiculous, so why not go full throttle and put Wallen’s mullet as the official smell? No one can stop me!
A Host Of Cartoonish Bond Villains Are Deciding Your Fate From The Swiss Alps https://t.co/qYZpXhQRzr
— Henry Rodgers (@henryrodgersdc) May 25, 2022
Oregon: Unwashed Hippy
Much like California, Oregon has descended into a social apocalypse, bred by inaction on the opioid and fentanyl epidemic murdering America’s most vulnerable. Residents of Oregon are likely used to the smell of unwashed hippies, or perhaps just the homeless people they find randomly lying in their beds.
Florida: Tropical smoothies with a hint of cocaine
No one can visit Florida without falling in love with this one dip into the tropics offered by the continental U.S. However, given the history of the state in relation to South and Central American cartel drug smuggling, its reputation far precedes it.
Texas: Patriotism
Does this even need justification? If you feel it does, please go ask a Texan. Good luck!
Wyoming: Rocks
Wyoming, by all accounts, absolutely rocks. It’s also home to some of the prettiest rocks in America. That’s why Wyoming’s official aroma should be rocks. (RELATED: Dear Kay: Should I Go To My Planned Gay Orgy This Weekend?)
Montana: Rocks but with loads of money
As above, except with real, old, money that somehow has lasted more than the three generations normalized by the nouveau riche.
Hawaii: Literal Happiness
It’s easy to forget that Hawaii is a real place. Television shows like Magnum P.I. do an incredible job of showing off the island state’s beauty, but unless you’ve visited, it’s hard to conjure up the smell of literal happiness. Those of us lucky enough to have holidayed in Hawaii know what I’m talking about though, and that’s why the official state aroma of Hawaii is happiness … with a lil bit of volcano.
Washington D.C.: Puke on the Metro And Amazing History
I always assumed that the sweet mixture of hangovers and history was uniquely limited to Great Britain, where our culture is defined by chronic alcoholism and being really, really, really old. After visiting Washington D.C., I realized that Britishness has bled into the streets of what was once part of our Kingdom, and it smells like old books and vomit on a hot metro car.