Warning: Single DNC Staffers Are On The Prowl In Chicago. Here’s How To Spot Them

(Photo by Win McNamee/Getty Images)

Gage Klipper Commentary & Analysis Writer
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Ladies of Chicago: have you been looking for a single soy-boy with a scraggly physique and a meek temperament that conceals that vicious entitlement just below the surface? You’re in luck; the Democratic Convention is coming to town!

You know the type. They probably majored in Environmental and/or Political Science at Michigan (no loans) and know that makes them both Very Smart and Really Good. That’s because their moms call most days to tell them (“are you wearing your mask, honey?”) — and still keep their 7th place karate trophy on the mantle. They prey on girls claiming to be the “nice guy” and brag about being in touch with their feelings — but then cheat the second the opportunity arises. They’re either balding at 27 or have curly hair, both sure signs of masculine disfigurement.

Get ready, ladies. These are the straight, millennial DNC bros who will be coming to Chicago in a few short months — and they’re looking for more than just female liberation. Here’s how to spot them.

You’ll see the pronoun pin before they even get close enough to make a move. It’s a tough choice: while they look down on anyone who’s ever worked a name-tag job, how else will they signal to potential mates that they’re a cissy?

If there’s no pronoun pin, you’ll probably still see some sort of rainbow swag. They might be straight, but they still have Pride. They’re the best Ally you’ll ever find (unless someone mistakes them for being gay, God forbid).

If you miss these tells and they make the approach, don’t worry — the conversation will go one of two ways. Either they’ll start explaining why feminism is so important to them as a man, and assure you that Hillary was robbed in 2016.”I’m still With Her!”

Or they’ll start talking about Pod Save America and how refreshing it is to have young, independent voices in politics. “Ben Rhodes, what a breath of fresh air! It’s those guys over at the Daily Caller who are the real grifter hacks.”

If they broach either topic, you have all you need to know. Turn tail and get the hell out of Wrigleyville!