California’s Luxury High-Rise For The Homeless Has Some Wild Amenities

Wikimedia Commons/Public/Giuseppe Milo, CC BY 3.0

Gage Klipper Commentary & Analysis Writer
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In the latest example of Californian stupidity, the state is about to open a luxury high-rise apartment building for the homeless. Sorry, I mean for “those currently experiencing unhousedness.”

California is one of the richest places on Earth. It’s thrown oodles of money at its homeless hordes, and the problem has only gotten worse. So of course these geniuses think some additional luxury amenities will do the trick.

The 19-story building will offer both skyline and mountain views from the cozy little neighborhood of LA’s Skid Row. The building is jam-packed with swanky amenities like a gym, cafe, and library, as well as a multitude of private media rooms for TV, music, and computers. Don’t forget the art studio and the stately courtyard and balconies.

Millennials pay top dollar to live in urban clubhouses like this, but it’s great LA’s homeless will have so many new places to shoot heroin! All it’s missing is a concierge for acquisition and delivery.

So really, why stop here? Surely some more amenities are needed.

An in-building dry cleaner is a must. How else will these productive citizens get their suits pressed for job interviews?

What about a tennis court and ProTee golf simulator? It’s well past time for the world’s waspiest sports to become more inclusive.

And seriously, no rooftop lounge? Did California just run out of money after the 19th floor?

Along with a crack pipe vending machine, the roof will definitely need a craft cocktail bar serving tapas-style seasonal small plates. Perhaps an in-house decorator can create whimsical themes; summer’s perfect for a kitschy tiki bar, while winter’s all about aprèsski.

But please, no glass by the pool.