Local Government Has New Plan To Cull Social Worker Population

(Photo by JOSEPH PREZIOSO/AFP via Getty Images)

Gage Klipper Commentary & Analysis Writer
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Who knew that tony Cambridge, Massachusetts — home to Harvard University — was actually chock-full of right-wing extremists?

Local officials recently rolled out their plan to send unarmed social workers to respond to 911 calls in Cambridge. At first, this might seem like hippie nonsense, but a closer look reveals the 4D chess moves of a hardened right-wing plot.

Cambridge’s far-right local government is trying to cull the social worker population.

Social workers are notoriously left-wing. About 80% of them voted for Hillary in 2016, and only 13% self-identify as conservative. It’s no surprise: they’re the therapeutic arm of our late-stage nanny state who force you to talk about your feelings. As a field, social work is the pseudoscientific embodiment of a state-mandated feminist movement.

And while Harvard’s campus might be full of peaceniks (or terror sympathizers claiming that mantle), the surrounding area is not all that great. At a rate of 406 per 100,000, Cambridge’s violent crime is 14% higher than the national average.

So here’s the most likely scenario: some obese, blue-haired social worker responds to a “non-violent mental health crisis” at a flophouse and immediately gets yeeted into oblivion.

“I’m here to provide inclusive affirmation and support, and to begin your path to healing,” they’ll say as a half-naked schizophrenic raves about the aliens who have been spying on him.

“Let’s explore the root causes of your trauma,” they’ll suggest, as the man, awake on meth for the last three days, reaches for a 9 mil.

“Perhaps you’re struggling with your gender identity?” they’ll ask, as bullets start to fly.

The new program is set to roll out as early as July. Give it until Labor Day, and there might be no social workers left in Cambridge.