Excellent News! Women Might Soon Have To Sign Up To Die In Battle

(Photo by Leon Neal/Getty Images)

Gage Klipper Commentary & Analysis Writer
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In a stunning victory for gender equality, America’s mothers and wives could soon be required to register for the draft.

The House of Representatives passed a bill Friday to automatically register men 18 to 26 for Selective Service, colloquially known as the draft. But who cares about the men? The boys have literally had millennia to fight and die for glory. It’s high time for the ladies to have their own equitable share.

Thankfully, our diverse and inclusive leaders agreed: another proposal within the National Defense Authorization Act “[a]mends the Military Selective Service Act to require the registration of women for Selective Service.”

This is nothing short of excellent news for a country that cares deeply about female empowerment. Whenever outdated (and frankly, sexist and misogynist) gender roles clash with national security, national security can and must come first.  At an average 5′ 4″ stature brimming with feminine grit, women can serve just as effectively as men — but with a lot more style! I’d sure love to see SEAL Team Six try taking out Osama in some four-inch heels.

Trust me, I’m a feminist — so I’m pretty sure I can speak for all women. Besides, my wife’s boyfriend assured me that she cannot wait to hop into a foxhole on Ukraine’s Eastern front this winter. What a great chance for female bonding, just like her days as Tri Delt.

I think I can speak for fathers as well when I say that my daughters will not grow up to be housewives. They won’t even settle for the boardroom; that path has already blazed. No, they’ll be breaking the final glass ceiling for women: serving as cannon fodder in a regime change war a world away that benefits no one but America’s corrupt, ruling elite.

Three cheers for feminism!