Matt Labash - Page 2
ColumnistHi, welcome to “Ask Matt Labash.” I’ll be your host, Matt Labash. The idea for this column – if idea isn’t too strong a word – is that it is not a column at all. Rather, it’s a conversation. One in which I do ninety-five percent of the talking. If you did most of the talking, you’d have to watch my eyes go dead and my attention wander until it was my turn to talk again. So trust me, it’s better this way.<br /> <br /> For those unfamiliar with me from my day job at The Weekly Standard, I’ll give you a capsule bio by way of introduction: I have the gift of wisdom. Does that sound arrogant? I’m sorry, that wasn’t my intention. I didn’t choose wisdom. It chose me. If I had my druthers, I’d have chosen another gift, perhaps the untold riches of Lil’ Wayne, whose teeth are made of actual diamonds, or to be the sexiest man alive, like Rachel Maddow. But wisdom is what they gave me, so wisdom is all I have to give back to you.<br /> <br /> This is not, you should know, a mere advice column. If you need advice, I’ll give it. But the only rule here is that there are no rules. You can ask me a question about anything that’s on your mind: current events, pop culture, media, theology, string theory, fishing tips, wicker repair. The only limits we have are those of your imagination. And those of my knowledge base. Which is considerably limited, truth be told. So try not to ask me anything that requires research. Though they tell me I have access to Google on this computer if we need it.<br /> <br /> If all goes according to plan, ours will not be a traditional writer/reader relationship. It’s more complex than that. I might empathize or cajole. I might educate, instruct, or inspire. I might pretend to answer your question while actually reporting you to Social Services, since you’re a dangerous person who should not have contact with children. I might tell you to climb up on my shoulders, that you’re not heavy, you’re my brother. Or I might tell you that you are heavy, and that you should hop down until you lose a few pounds. I might just sidle up behind you, put my big strong man hands on the small of your back, and whisper in your ear the words of the poet, Kenny Rogers: “We’ve got tonight, who needs tomorrow?”<br /> <br /> To which you’ll say something like, “I can’t, I’ve got to go home and wash my hair.”<br /> To which I’ll say something like, “Shhh. We’ve got tonight babe, why don’t you stay?”<br /> Wherever this takes us, our journey begins now:<br /> <br /> <i>Matt Labash is a senior writer with The Weekly Standard. His first book, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Fly-Fishing-Darth-Vader-Evangelical/dp/1439159971">Fly Fishing with Darth Vader: And Other Adventures with Evangelical Wrestlers, Political Hitmen, and Jewish Cowboys</a> will be published next month by Simon & Schuster.</i>
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Ask Matt Labash: Facebook stalking, Zen and the art of huffing gasoline
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Ask Matt Labash: Keeping America mediocre
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Ask Matt Labash: The perils of breast-centricity
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Ask Matt Labash: Obama infidelity?
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Ask Matt Labash: An ode to hate mailers
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Ask Matt Labash: An apology to Sarah Palin
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Ask Matt Labash: Cornel West for president?
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Ask Matt Labash’s Idiot’s Guide to the 2012 Republican Presidential Primary
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Ask Matt Labash: Carbon crap, the truth about truth, and Springtime for Hitler
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Ask Matt Labash: How to celebrate the Royal Wedding (hint: don’t), and why all change is bad
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Ask Matt Labash: Meaningless charades, fish Abu Ghraib vs. fish Dachau, and why we fish
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Ask Matt Labash: News Cycle Fatigue, unplugging yourself, and fighting off the thieves of wonder
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Ask Matt Labash: How to avoid a mid-life crisis and herpes and you – a lust story
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Ask Matt Labash: Sheila ‘Mothereffing’ Jackson Lee, how to deal with an evil boss, and are ants communists?
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Ask Matt Labash: Defending Charlie Sheen, and changing the GOP dress code, a new sartorial strategy
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Ask Matt Labash: Am I a music snob? And throwing out the fly fishing rulebook
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Ask Matt Labash: Mandela and me – a love story, mandatory college homework, and keying Michael Vick and Dallas
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Ask Matt Labash: The Mary Katharine Ham Museum, and how to dispose of a body without getting caught
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Ask Matt Labash: Replacing Keith Olbermann, the Obama/Ted Wiliams connection, and dirty poetry
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Ask Matt Labash: An Eco-friendly guide to automotive murder, and Borders Books, the New Emptiness and the end of America
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Ask Matt Labash Vol. XLVII: Advice for a bride to be, blaming Treacher for Tucson, and fetishizing Reagan
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Ask Matt Labash Vol. XLVI: Torturing a dog-torture lover, and defending John Boehner’s tan
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Ask Matt Labash Vol. XLV: Dogs to Michael Vick and Obama: ‘Bite me’
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Ask Matt Labash Vol. XLIV: Outsourcing the unemployed, chasing tail, and banning New Year’s Day
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Ask Matt Labash Vol. XLIII: Christmas in Haiti, and an essential Christmas music playlist
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Ask Matt Labash Vol. XLII: Julian Assange – hero or sainted hero? – the please don’t hack me edition, and catch-and-release Jesus
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Ask Matt Labash Vol. XLI: How to hate healthily, Liechtensteinian mail-order brides, and existential wisdom
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Ask Matt Labash Vol. XL: Throwing dry flies in winter, a December largemouth tale, and hope floats
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Ask Matt Labash Vol. XXXIX: How to avoid Thanksgiving dinner family dysfunction, and a very special Ask Matt lightning round
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Ask Matt Labash Vol. XXXVIII: Fly fishing with Oprah and why she must be stopped, an open letter to open-letter writers, and how to ask a question
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Ask Matt Labash Vol. XXXVII: An Apathy Party Manifesto, a rebuke of Sarah Palin, and Jon Stewart The Horrible
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Ask Matt Labash Vol. XXXVI: Bombshell midterm edition: My night of passion with Barbara Mikulski, and how to Repress The Vote through clothing choices
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Ask Matt Labash Vol. XXXV: James Bond vs. Jack Bauer, TV’s Andy Levy breaks the law, and playing for Team Sparkly Bears
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Ask Matt Labash Vol. XXXIV: Chilean miner publicity sluts, Willie Geist’s American Freak Show, and a reader execution
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Ask Matt Labash Vol. XXXIII: Trekkies vs. Trekkers, selfish terminally ill people vs. taco-flavored Doritos, staying young vs. getting old
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Ask Matt Labash Vol. XXXII: Rick Sanchez’s Jon Stewart problem, the anti-Semitic batting order, and gassy vulture carbon credits