NY media in knots anticipating Paterson expose — Scott Lee Cohen tearfully agrees to return to brokering pawns — Iran to file customer service complaint over late missiles — IPCC just making it all up now — Ancient talisman prevents David Horowitz from stepping foot on St. Louis U. — California Indians do not feel special enough, demand more special treatment
1.) Paterson flacks deny that NYT Paterson profile will be at all interesting —Rumors began circulating last Friday that the New York Times is preparing to publish a scathing expose of NY Gov. David Paterson. According to Gawker, “there is a rumor that the governor and his wife are swingers.” Business Insider reportsthat “the governor’s resignation will follow” publication of the New York Times story, which has not been published as of this writing. “There is absolutely zero truth to these rumors” Marissa Shoenstein, Paterson’s deputy flack, told both sites. “The governor is not resigning.”
Shoenstein also said that the NYT story was just a regular ole’ profile and would be of no interest to the “general public.” Paterson met privately with fellow NY Democrats over the weekend to discuss his future as the party’s resident nasty man. Another campaign flack said that the meeting was “routine,” but yet another attendee said, “The meetings included discussions about whether Paterson would resign or announce he will not run,” according to FOX News. Paterson flacks are secretly hoping that the NY press will go back to writing about the dweeb epidemic in Williamsburg.
2.) Hooker aficionado withdraws from Illinois lieutenant governor race — Despite winning the Democratic primary last week, Scott Lee Cohen, Chicago pawnbroker, prostitute-dater, deep-pocketed boot-strapper, has withdrawn from the Illinois lieutenant governor race following allegations that he is not the greatest guy in the world. “For the good of the people … I will resign,” the Chicago Tribune reports Cohen as tearily saying during Superbowl halftime at a Chicago bar.
Perhaps fearful that an unstopped Cohen would have bogged down the Democratic ticket with salty pawnshop metaphors and bow-fishing references, Gov. Pat Quinn heaved a very deep sigh and threw up a little in his mouth upon hearing that he’d be running for reelection with a more milquetoast candidate. “Now we can continue to focus our efforts on putting our economy back on track and working to bring good jobs to Illinois,” the governor told the Chicago Tribune.
3.) Russian customer service reps keep putting Iranian missile buyers on hold — Iran announced today that it is building two long-range unmanned airplanes with “surveillance and attack capabilities,” the AP reports. The irate country decided to develop its own drones when it realized that the planes it ordered in 2007 from a Russian mail-order catalog were probably never going to arrive. While Iranian authorities claim the missiles would be able to reach Israel, the AP notes that it is “virtually impossible to independently determine the actual capabilities or combat worthiness of the weapons” the country makes due to Iran’s intense self-consciousness regarding the size of its products.
4.) IPCC faces more credibility issues — First, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change admitted to greatly exaggerating the melting of Himalayan glaciers, and now it’s set to retract the claim that “global warming could cut rain-fed north African crop production by up to 50% by 2020,” according to the American Interest Online. “As Professor Chris Field, the lead author of the IPCC’s climate impact team has now told reporters that he can find ‘no evidence’ to support the claim in the IPCC’s 2007 report.”
5.) St. Louis U. bans David Horowitz yet again — David Horowitz, the much disliked and mildly appreciated critic of liberal bias in higher education has been banned yet again from speaking at St. Louis University, despite assurances that he would balance the event by debating his own critic, Cary Nelson, national president of the American Association of University Professors. “Saint Louis University has a long history of encouraging a diversity of ideas, opinions and voices on its campus. Any suggestion to the contrary is simply not true,” said a university spokesman in response to allegations that St. Louis U. required a Catholic speaker be included in the debate.
6.) Schwarzenegger lackey defends tribal tantrums — Former California State Finance Director Mike Genest advocated against legalizing online gambling last week, saying that even though it could bring in millions of dollars in tax revenue for the bankrupt state, it would also threaten his clients’ gambling monopoly. In his report, Genest argued that “State-sanctioned Internet poker would violate existing compacts that give Indian tribes exclusive rights to electronic gambling, allowing them to halt paying the state its $365-million cut of the proceeds from slot machines,” the LA Times reports.