1.) The EPA is trying to kill us all — “Pilots, airlines and airports are warning the government’s proposed environmental restrictions on deicing fluid used to keep planes from freezing up and crashing could pose serious safety risks,” reports The Daily Caller’s Jonathan Strong. In order to protect nearby bodies of water, like streams and ditches and retention ponds, the EPA has proposed new regulations that would limit the amount of deicing fluid that airports can use to keep planes from crashing to 25 gallons. An EPA spokeswoman said that her organization “is concerned about the safety of the traveling public and the operational challenges that airports and airlines face in efficiently serving air traveler.” It appears the EPA is more concerned about satisfying the mermaid-huggers over at–well, who knows where these anti-airplane freaks are hiding.
2.) Coburn: ‘We have to win on facts’ — Proving yet again that Merle Haggard isn’t the only Okie from Muskogee to think deep thoughts, Oklahoma Sen. Tom Coburn told The Daily Caller’s Gautham Nagesh that for Republicans to win anything besides a Marco Rubio butt-kissing contest, “we have to win on facts and caring attitudes, not demoniz[ing] people.” Coburn was referring to his controversial speech at a recent rally, during which he referred to fellow lawmaker Nancy Pelosi as if she were a fellow human being and not the COO of purgatory. “I don’t want conservatives to win on the basis of emotion. If we lower ourselves to the level [liberals] operate on, we hurt ourselves and our arguments,” Coburn said, both in reference to attacks from MSNBC host Rachel Maddow and his decision to block unemployment benefits until there’s money to pay for them.
3.) With a single decree, Virginia governor and Confederate enthusiast pisses away years of accumulated goodwill — “Under pressure from critics,” writes the AP, “Gov. Bob McDonnell on Wednesday called it a ‘major omission’ not noting slavery in declaring April Confederate History Month in Virginia.” Sheila C. Johnson, a McDonnell supporter, anti-stutterer, and co-creator of the single largest nexus for degraded black popular culture and women’s underwear, blasted McDonnell. “The complete omission of slavery from an official government document, which purports to be a call for Virginians to ‘understand’ and ’study’ their history, is both academically flawed and personally offensive,” Johnson said. After floundering in front of the cameras, McDonnell released his own statement revealing for the first time that he knows what slavery was and feels bad that it happened. “Slavery was an evil, vicious and inhumane practice which degraded human beings to property, and it has left a stain on the soul of this state and nation,” he said.
4.) Democrats want their commie confirmation hearing, and they want it now — “Senate Democrats have rejected a Republican effort to delay a hearing for a liberal appeals court nominee” despite requests from all seven Republicans on the Senate judiciary committee that they be given more time to review the mad ravings of UC-Berkeley law professor Goodwin Liu, the AP reports. Though it will provide little comfort to Republicans, it’s not like the 9th Circuit matters.
5.) Small country has revolution — Protesters took up arms against security forces in the Central Asian cul-de-sac of Kyrgyzstan this week, leading to the overthrow of the country’s mentally stunted human-rights-violating dictator Kurmanbek Bakiyev. In response to the news that Bakiyev had fled to the Jalal-Abad region, joyful Kyrgyz set government buildings on fire and desecrated Bakiyev’s image wherever they found it. Afterward, “residents nervously went about their business on a clear spring morning, the snowcapped mountains visible in the distance,” proving that all these people needed was to spill a little tyrant blood.
6.) Big-hair ladies make big impression in Minnesota — “Before thousands of Minnesotans, former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin and U.S. Rep. Michele Bachmann delivered a hard-edged message Wednesday of freedoms threatened and an overreaching liberal government that must be stopped at the polls in the fall elections,” reports the clearly awestruck Minneapolis Star Tribune. “They pitched ‘common-sense conservatism,’ wrapped in patriotic, down-home language, and voiced a repeated call to return Bachmann to Congress.” Even though the event wasn’t explicitly a fundraiser, Palin hustled the crowd anyway. “Will you do the rest of the world a favor and reelect Michele Bachmann?” Palin said. While we are not sure about this, Bachmann may have threatened to crash on Palin’s couch if she doesn’t get re-elected.