During income tax week it was widely reported that 47 percent of Americans do not pay federal income taxes, which means 53 percent of Americans do.
So with that 53 percent—47 percent split, there is a unique opportunity to establish a new national holiday, one with the usual auto dealer tent sales, mattress discounts, and best of all, a Monday day off.
This federal holiday—suggested name: National ThankYou Taxpayer Day—would be celebrated the first Monday after April 15.
It would work as follows. All 53 percent of taxpaying citizens would receive a thank you gift from the IRS, a money green colored t-shirt emblazoned with the words “The IRS Thanks Me.”
Everyone who is fortunate enough to receive this shirt would wear it as the official holiday attire.
So here is a sampling of the future TV news coverage of the first National Thank You Taxpayer Day:
MSNBC
Crowds of activists NOT wearing the official holiday t-shirt were marching today in
Washington, DC wearing anti-holiday t-shirts with the slogan, “47 percent and Growing.”
The “Forty-Seven Percent Group” spokesman said their stated goal was to grow their organization and increase the number of Americans NOT paying federal income tax from 47 percent to 50 percent by next year.
Members of this peaceful and “growing” movement were on Capital Hill lobbying Congress for increased benefits. However, there were reports that marchers were secretly buying counterfeit
“The IRS Thanks Me” t-shirts from street vendors, but this has not been confirmed.
An IRS spokesman said it was improbable that street vendors would be selling official holiday T-shirts because the t-shirts were made from a secret material, in an undisclosed location and were counterfeit proof.
White House Press Briefing
(Robert Gibbs, White House Press Secretary)
“Today, President Obama spoke out against the widespread discrimination of non- taxpayers who proudly represent 47 percent of our nation. This is after hearing reports that numerous GM dealer’s new car tent sales and mattress stores were only giving holiday discounts to customers wearing the official “The IRS Thanks Me” t-shirts. The President said this discrimination is illegal and counter to our American values. So today President Obama has proposed a new subsidy for the 47 percent percent of Americans who do not pay federal taxes, so they too can take advantage of National Thank You Taxpayer Day discounts on Government Motors cars and mattresses without fear of rejection or loss of self-esteem.”
Fox News Channel
On this first National Thank You Taxpayer Day holiday we have some disturbing news to report. Fox News has confirmed the IRS secretly contracted with a Chinese firm to manufacture
“The IRS Thanks Me” t-shirts that were supposedly made from a secret material and were counterfeit proof. Fox News was tipped off by the label inside the t-shirt which reads “Maid in America” – a common English language error in China. There are also confirmed sightings of counterfeit American made “The IRS Thanks Me” t-shirts for sale by street vendors, jeopardizing the exclusive status of the shirt and demeaning those taxpayers it is intended to honor.
CNBC
It’s the new status symbol! Everyone wants one and now everyone can buy one cheap on the street. It’s “The IRS Thanks Me” t-shirt, originally sent to only 53 percent of Americans who paid federal income taxes, and intended to be worn with pride on this first annual National Thank You Taxpayer Day, but now widely available for three bucks exclusively from street vendors with a Made in the USA label. It’s an overnight small business success story, but a terrible embarrassment for the IRS because they paid a Chinese firm 20 billion dollars to manufacture the official IRS holiday t-shirts, that are labeled Maid in America.
Earlier today an IRS spokesman blamed the Chinese for the misspelled label due to communications breakdowns but the IRS was more enraged because they trusted the Chinese to manufacture the holiday T-shirts with the understanding the shirts would be made of special material that could not be counterfeited. CNBC can now report this “special material” is 100 percent cotton.
Then later today the IRS Commissioner issued a press release stating the Chinese government told the IRS these t-shirts could not be made in America because Americans did not know how to make anything anymore. The IRS believed this statement to be true when the secret t-shirt contract was finalized. However, the IRS would now like to apologize to the American people who have proven today that we do indeed have the capability to manufacture our own t-shirts “made” right here in the USA.
The Daily Show
(Jon Stewart walks on stage modeling his own version of the status symbol t-shirt with gold letters emblazed on the front with these words: I paid more in taxes than you’ll ever make, so thank me and kiss my a_ _. After much applause, he starts his show.)
“I am trying to make sense of our new National Thank You Taxpayer Day holiday.
This is what I know. The IRS spent 20 billion dollars they borrowed from the Chinese to buy from the Chinese a t-shirt for 53 percent of our taxpaying American citizens with the slogan“The IRS Thanks Me.” The shirt was to be made with a “secret” material which, get this, turns out to be 100 percent cotton!!! (rolls eyes, laughs, snickers, as he holds up t-shirt)
I assume some of you received this shirt? (applause, cheers from audience)
But wait, did you see this label? It says “Maid in America” (close up of label)
That’s how we know this is the O-fish-al holiday shirt!!!
Apparently the Chinese duped the IRS into believing that Americans don’t know how to make anything anymore, and we needed those smarty-pants Chinese to make our O-fish-al holiday t-shirts. (audience boos and hisses)
Well screw the Chinese and the IRS!!!
So I walked to the nearest street corner and bought myself a carton of non-official counterfeit holiday t-shirts with the label that says “Made In The USA.”
(He shows the label close-up, the audience goes nuts with cheers and applause, chanting USA USA, Jon Stewart starts throwing t- shirts into the audience.)
I love this new holiday!! It’s so American!
We all got the day off, our government got ripped off, street vendors are making tons of money and the IRS won’t see a dime. Then next year taxpayers will have even more to celebrate when the “Forty-Seven Percenters” have achieved their goal and 50 percent of Americans won’t be paying federal income tax! God Bless The USA!!!!” (cue Lee Greenwood song)
Myra Adams is a media producer, writer and political observer. Her media clients have included national associations, political interest groups and corporations. She was on the creative team with Mark McKinnon that created the now infamous John Kerry “Windsurfing” ad for the Bush 2004 presidential campaign and served on the McCain Ad Council during the 2008 McCain campaign. Myra’s web site TheJesusStore.com contributes all profits to Christian charity.