So, Bristol Palin is a Genius, Too (or Dumber Than We Thought)

John Schlimm Contributor
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First, credit where credit is due:  Levi and Bristol pulled off one humdinger of a surprise with the recent announcement of their engagement.  WOWIE!  Mouths were hanging open from Wasilla to Poughkeepsie.

I’m exhausted just thinking about what must have gone into making it all work.  It couldn’t have been easy to set hatred aside, reunite, stage an apology from Levi to Sarah, negotiate with Us Weekly, and do a top-notch photo shoot and interview, and without either one’s family having even the slightest inkling anything was amiss (I threw a surprise 50th birthday party for my mother years ago and keeping that secret nearly induced a nervous breakdown!)  So, my congrats to you both (and to the handlers profiting off of you).

Now that that’s out of the way, my inner conspiracy theorist ponders this hypothetical:

To prolong his (cough) fame, could it be that…

A. Levi wanted to write a tell-all memoir about the Palins, but couldn’t because heeeeee, well he had already blabbed everything to anyone who would listen – And what he didn’t tell, his sis, Mercede, has now leaked all over her popular new blog, MercedeJohnston.com.  (My favorite posting of Mercede’s:  “Did Willow really shoot glares at me during prom?
 Yes, but she’s a teenaged girl so it wasn’t surprising.  Plus, her date and I took a photo together, so that probably irritated her even more.”)?

B. Levi wanted to do a reality show on his own, but let’s face-it, he’s not so hot in moving pictures, especially when he opens his mouth?

C. Levi wanted to be a model or an actor, or whatever that “Ricky Hollywood” phase was, but once you do Playgirl, what’s really left?  You kind of get typecast, you know what I mean?

D. Levi needed the money and Sarah’s coattail had finally run dry?

E. All the Above!


Maybe he heard a whisper in his left ear (That is the side where the little guy in the red tights with matching pointy ears and tail lounges, right?).  The hissing voice said, “Listen here, buddy, I can still make all your dreams come true, and get you out of paying child support.  You just have to do exactly as I say:  Pretend to apologize to Mama Grizzly and cozy back up to Bristol using that boyish charm of yours, and your baby.”

Now, I really, really, really would like to give these two kids the benefit of the doubt.  No, REALLY, I would.  But like minutes after their engagement was announced with angelic blond-haired, blue-eyed baby in tow, it was also revealed that Levi and Bristol have several (not one, not two, SEVERAL) reality show concepts on the table.

Putting Levi aside for a moment…Miss Palin, could it be that you are so disgruntled with your mother that YOU concocted this ultimate revenge, across several genres of entertainment?  You’re a sly one indeed if that’s the case, and therefore deserve the title of “Genius” as much as mom does.  We might all have grossly underestimated you and what lies beneath that innocent smile.

OR, poor thing, while you were poised to become an important role model to young girls across this country, especially with the forthcoming book and $peaking gigs about abstinence (How’s that going since your engagement?), maybe you also heard a voice in your left ear.  Granted this voice was mumbling in monosyllabic bites, but all the same you fell head over heels, again.

Let me guess:  Your first reality series will be a six to eight episode docu-drama chronicling your hurried wedding preparations.  That’s what I would do anyway.  Just think of the grand finale:  WILL SARAH PALIN ATTEND HER DAUGHTER’S WEDDING OR NOT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?  She’s damned if she does, damned if she doesn’t.  That has Sweeps Week cliffhanger written all over it.  We will all be clinging to the edges of our seats!

This will naturally be followed-up by Newlyweds: Levi & Bristol, Year 1 and/or a remake of Sleeping with the Enemy.  Oh Boy, Heidi and Spencer Pratt will be pea green with envy for sure.  You can’t help that though.  Someone had to take their spot since they’re now officially has-beens.

However, please beware, Levi and Bristol.  Young love can be sweet poison.

Miss Palin, especially, I have a strange gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach that you might be the second disastrous fiasco this summer with the initials BP.  Coincidence?  That is the million dollar question, or whatever outrageous amount you two are about to get paid for reality shows, photo shoots, interviews, books, and personal appearances (Maybe even a line of baby clothes?  Bet you didn’t think of that, but, fear not, your handlers will.)

My only hope is that you two are at least starting a Tripp Johnston-Palin-Johnston-Palin-Johnston College Fund with some of this new influx of dough!  After all, one of you three should get to go and have a shot at being normal.

(BTW, I think you owe the little red guy with the pointy ears and tail the slot of Best Man.  If for no other reason than that he’s guaranteed to give one hell of a toast at your reception, in case Sarah is a no-show!)

John Schlimm is a member of one of the oldest brewing families in the United States, meaning he sees life through sudsy, gold-colored glasses.

A former celebrity publicist, educator, and artist, John is the award-winning author of several books, including his latest, Harrah’s Entertainment Presents…The Seven Stars Cookbook as well as The Ultimate Beer Lover’s Cookbook (named “Best Beer Book in the U.S.” and “Best Beer Book in the World” by the international Gourmand Awards).

Join John on Facebook.com/JohnSchlimm and Twitter.com/JohnSchlimm.  For more information, please visit www.JohnSchlimm.com.

John Schlimm