Sarah Palin and Kate Gosselin: Exactly who is using who?

John Schlimm Contributor
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Reports surfaced recently that Kate Gosselin and her brood of eight (is enough already!) were seen with film crews in tow heading into the Alaskan wilderness to go camping with Sarah Palin.  HUH?!

Now I’m having a really tough time trying to figure out this one.  To be exact, I cannot for the life of me pinpoint who is using who here.

What I am fairly certain of is if TLC, which serves as home base to both the Gosselin Empire and the forthcoming guaranteed blockbuster Sarah Palin’s Alaska, is bringing these two power chicks together; then someone is undoubtedly using someone.

While it could be a while before this footage airs, let’s break down the situation and try to get to the bottom of this oh so mysterious coupling.

First off, I find it impossible to believe that Sarah Palin needs Kate Gosselin for anything, let alone attention.  One cleverly crafted Facebook posting with a newly coined word or two from the former Veep candidate has enough Shakespearean octane to knock even President Obama out of the lead news slot.  Only fools failed to learn early on to never “misunderestimate” this modern day bard of fame, prose, and politics.

Meanwhile, the majority of attention Momma Gosselin attracts can be summed up in a few choice words:  DIVA, cold, DIVA with bad hair, difficult, Dancing with the Stars DIVA, dull, and, you got it, DIVA.  I mean, sad but true, who out there actually likes this woman?

For all the criticism leveled at her, Momma Palin, on the other hand, is still heralded by her millions of followers as akin to the Second Coming (of something or other).  Besides spinning pure gold, her unique Midas Touch allows her to turn even the chilliest waters of negative press into $weet tea.

At the very least, consider this contrast:  Sarah’s electrifying smile lights up any room she enters while Kate’s icy sourpuss could be used as the planet’s secret weapon to reverse Global Warming.

I think we can safely say that Sarah Palin surely does not need to use Kate Gosselin, at least not for attention anyway.

We might then surmise that Kate is using Sarah.  After all, we know Mrs. Gosselin will seemingly do just about anything for money, anything that involves a camera anyway.  And for someone with the charisma of a two-by-four she has accumulated quite an impressive resume doing just that:  Reality superstar several times over (thanks to the gods of fertility), New York Times best selling author (of course!), Dancing with the Stars contestant (lackluster at best but by golly she got herself on there), frequent guest co-host of The View (which I will never understand), and the newest accolade of the modern era, “Famous for Just Being Famous” (Translation: talentless).  It begs the question, Who in H-E-double-hockey-sticks is this woman’s agent?!  P.T. Barnum?!

Furthermore, putting two and two together, think about this:

One:  Kate has a penchant for burrowing herself into others’ coattails, be they toddler size or otherwise.

Two: Sarah’s coattail is momentarily free now that Levi Johnston has, for the time being, once more sought refuge under Bristol Palin’s…um…coattail.

Therefore, maybe Mrs. G. sees Mrs. P’s tails as the new magic carpet to whisk her and her kids into the wilds where they can pick up their next paycheck.  OR, could it be a case of “Keep Your Friends Close and Your Enemies Closer”?  Surely being as fame savvy as she’s become, Kate realizes that once Sarah Palin’s Alaska hits the airwaves, her inexplicable, octo-sized reign on TLC is doomed for a second place finish at best.  So, if you can’t beat ‘em… (Though the day you hear buzz of a Palin/Gosselin 2012 ticket, you better hightail it to the hills, or Canada, and don’t look back lest you be turned to dust!)

I realize that the main problem with all my ruminating about the mystery and motives behind this very odd new couple is that ultimately, as this case shows, these two women are highly unpredictable.  Therefore, one can ever know with absolute certainty what the likes of Sarah Palin and Kate Gosselin will do next.  That, my friends (whether you admit it or not), is why we keep going back for more and more and more on this endless buffet of nouveau fame-mongers and train wrecks.

BUT, maybe the joke is on us, indeed.  In the end, this pairing might boil down to something as simple as Sarah wanting to find out exactly how Kate managed to get all her children under a legally-binding contract so they have to do exactly as she says.  Now that is genius!

John Schlimm is a member of one of the oldest brewing families in the United States, meaning he sees life through sudsy, gold-colored glasses.

A former celebrity publicist, educator, and artist, John is the award-winning author of several books, including his latest, Harrah’s Entertainment Presents…The Seven Stars Cookbook as well as The Ultimate Beer Lover’s Cookbook (named “Best Beer Book in the U.S.” and “Best Beer Book in the World” by the international Gourmand Awards).

Join John on Facebook.com/JohnSchlimm and Twitter.com/JohnSchlimm.  For more information, please visit www.JohnSchlimm.com.