First things first on this one: LONG DEEP BREATH.
OK, let’s begin.
Eric, please, please, please, tell me Us Weekly and other media outlets got this one way wrong. By foregoing grad school at Wharton for a stab at love with Jessica Simpson, you realize you just became what we technically in showbiz call a Dumb@$$.
I understand you did the whole Ivy League thing already at Yale, so maybe in your mind Wharton is same old, same old (and it’s not like it’s Harvard where I went – LOL). On the bright side, technically, now you’re opening a slot up for someone who really worked hard and earned the shot to get in there, but was probably cast aside because you have “NFL” stamped on your forehead. So, that’s a kind, generous thing for you to do (Just remember, No good deed goes unpunished).
BUT for Jessica Simpson? After only dating her for, what, twenty minutes? Don’t get me wrong here, because I certainly don’t want your tight end chasing me down: I HEART Jessica Simpson. Really and truly, I do. She’s beautiful (even in mom jeans), she’s a heck of a bag and shoe designer (I’ve given them as gifts!), she can spit out one-liners so naturally that you almost think she means it (That tuna/chicken of the sea ditty is a classic), and she’s part of Hollywood’s blondest dynasty!
AND, yes, according to John Mayer, she’s like “napalm” in the sack. Though, isn’t that kind of gross when you really think about it, or is it just because John Mayer said it? A lot of things sound a little more disgusting dripping from his mouth.
Seriously, I think you need to face some facts here. Sure you have “NFL Tight End” in front of your name, but have you noticed lately what the media is writing before that title? Give up?….“FORMER.” Translation: Has-been, which might be why I’ve read reports that some of Jess’ friends fear you’re trying to cash-in on her fame. If that’s true, please read my “Fame Whoring 101” piece to see how you should proceed from here.
Also, Jess’ track record with scoring hawt guys is A+, but her ability to keep them is C- at best (and that’s with a curve, because I’m generous).
Not to mention, I bet Poppa Joe is going to have few rules for you to follow (i.e., a contract). I’m sure he didn’t give up being a minister and then claw his way to the top of the prestigious “Parent of…” List just to have some jock screw it all up.
My advice: Keep Wharton on speed-dial, because when this Romeo & Juliet gig goes up in flames, I’m sure they’ll take you back (Well, maybe not).
Should Jessica and Wharton both eventually ditch you, fear not, my budding fame-monger, I smell a season of The Bachelor in your future! I have pretty good instincts about these things, so make sure to plant that little gem in the back of your agent’s head.
Come what may, one thing is for sure: Like a friend of mine, who went to Wharton and completed his degree, said, This match made in Hollywood Heaven can only end one way: “HILARIOUSLY!” (I’m not sure that’s a compliment, FYI.)
John Schlimm is a member of one of the oldest brewing families in the United States, meaning he sees life through sudsy, gold-colored glasses.
A former celebrity publicist, educator, and artist, John is the award-winning author of several books, including his latest, Harrah’s Entertanment Presents…The Seven Stars Cookbook as well as The Ultimate Beer Lover’s Cookbook (named “Best Beer Book in the U.S.” and “Best Beer Book in the World” by the international Gourmand Awards).
Join John on Facebook.com/JohnSchlimm and Twitter.com/JohnSchlimm. For more information, please visit www.JohnSchlimm.com.