Opinion

The return of President Hillary Clinton

John Schlimm Contributor

I’ve always been convinced that Hillary Clinton would find her way back to the Oval Office one way or another.

Therefore, the recently reignited chatter about her being considered as President Obama’s 2012 running mate is the most exciting news I’ve heard since…well, since the news broke that Levi Johnston is running for Mayor of Wasilla.

BUT, hold on just a minute, because it gets way better: Even more titillating than these two juicy nuggets is the less-reported Washington insider buzz that Hillary is actually…drum roll, please…plotting to run against President Obama for the Democratic nomination in 2012.

WOWSA!

Did someone say, “DRAAAAMA!”  (Now you’re speakin’ my language.)

My, my, my, which delicious Hillary rumor to devour first?  Dare I be so gluttonous?

Let’s dig in: A 2012 hostile Veep takeover would be historic for sure, and even makes sense (though I bet Joe B. would disagree).  However, the general consensus seems to be:  Why in the world would Hillary want to play second fiddle to anyone?

On the other hand, it would elevate Hillary to savior status as she single-handedly injects Obama’s plunging popularity with much needed adrenaline, and it would allow her to collect another highly coveted title (She’s quite the collector, you know).  Most importantly, the Office of the Vice President would naturally position her for a 2016 run.

Then again, that would mean Hillary would have to waste another four years before she could finally have a shot at claiming the real prize.  She’s 62 now…While it would be very Reagan of her to kick-off her twilight years with another White House run, she certainly doesn’t want “The Old Gray Mare, She Ain’t What She Used to Be” as her campaign slogan.  So why wait?!

ENTER the whisperings of a sizzling rematch:

Talk about a sensational game-changing sequel to 2008 (John Heilemann and Mark Halperin, I hope you’re taking notes here).  I’m salivating just thinking about it!

I recently met with my very own Deep Throat who’s perched high up on the Beltway power grid.  I was told that Capital insiders are all atwitter with what they consider a Clintonian conspiracy of epic magnitude – the final act to end all and to cap off everything the Clintons have worked for (aka, world domination).

In what is the most underreported, hottest rumor EVER, it’s believed that Bill and Hillary Clinton have spent the last few years setting her up to launch a challenge to Obama in 2012 (As in, SURPRISE, she never actually stopped running for president).  When you really think about it, they’ve been doing it in plain sight right under our noses.

Consider how she graciously conceded to Obama after what was anything but a tiptoe-through-the-tulips race for the nomination, and then publicly supported him with unbridled enthusiasm and smiles (What a good sport she is!  No sore loser here! WINK-WINK).

Next, Hillary surprisingly accepted the position of Secretary of State, essentially getting in bed with the enemy (Translation: All to gain unprecedented access to the new administration and the world – literally).  She then spent the last two years crisscrossing the globe as our top diplomat, gaining critical acclaim and even more followers from abroad and at home – all on Obama’s dime.

And, lest we forget, those 18 million cracks are still in the glass ceiling right above her head waiting for one more teeny-tiny little nudge (while the president’s groundbreaking cracks have long since been shattered and swept away).

Meanwhile, Clinton 42 certainly doesn’t like losing, so no doubt he views the 2008 defeat of his wife (aka, the would-be Clinton 45) as all the more reason to covertly forge ahead to grasp victory, and to seek the ultimate revenge on the campaign trail.

Aaaaand, was it mere coincidence that the Clintons recently hosted THE Wedding of the Year, making the world collectively go “Ahhhhhh”?  Cue the wedding photo, showing them ensconced in that rarified Kennedy-esque glow.  That pic was worth every penny of the multi-million dollar price tag (which should be reimbursable or at least written off as a campaign expense, or would that be a little too obvious?).

Back to all this recent 2012 Veep talk.  What of it then?  Isn’t the buzzing that Hillary may be/is challenging Obama much bigger news?

My chatty Deep Throat has a spicy insider’s take on this as well:  Perhaps the Veep thing is actually a smoke screen being floated by a nervous Obama administration to maintain control and lessen the impact of any stories about her challenging him for the top spot.  After all, something like that could go viral fast, at which point all control will be lost amidst a new tidal wave of Clinton-mania.

OK, Obama White House, I can take a hint, so listen up:

First Bit of Advice: Never-never-EVER underestimate the Clintons (You should know this all too well by now, but it never hurts to be reminded).  They’re made of 100% pure grade Teflon and they’ll bite you when you least expect it if you’re not careful.

Second Bit of Advice: Never-never-EVER forget that Hillary wasn’t called “The Lady MacBeth of Little Rock” for nothing!  (Somewhere Shakespeare is nodding with approval.)

The looming question then:  If this Veep switch-a-roo talk is a diversionary tactic (or, better yet, if it isn’t), exactly who will the joke really be on (because someone here is going to find themselves on the butt end of this one very soon)?

If you’re like me and gobble this poli-drama stuff right up, here’s some parting food for thought on this brewing intrigue:

It’s a win-win-win for Hillary.  In this electrifying cliffhanger, she’ll end up as either Vice President or President (or both), or simply remain the most famous woman in the world.

Joe Biden?  You can bet your (BLEEP!) that if this mother-(BLEEP)-ing! swap goes down, he’ll be (BLEEP)-ing! paid-off (BLEEP)-ing! BIG-TIME.

Finally, as for President Obama, if he doesn’t continue to keep one eye on the Clintons while turning around his poll numbers, he might just end up becoming so two thousand and late.

John Schlimm is a member of one of the oldest brewing families in the United States, meaning he sees life through sudsy, gold-colored glasses. A former celebrity publicist, educator, and artist, John is the award-winning author of several books, including his latest, Harrah’s Entertainment Presents…The Seven Stars Cookbook as well as The Ultimate Beer Lover’s Cookbook (named “Best Beer Book in the U.S.” and “Best Beer Book in the World” by the international Gourmand Awards).

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