DC Trawler

James Cameron: Gunslinger

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Howdy, stranger! Well, you look plumb tuckered out. Why doncha climb down off’n yer horse and set a spell? I cain’t offer much more’n a nice warm campfire, this pot a’ beans, and the company of a broke-down ol’ prospector seen better days, but yer more’n welcome to it. There ya go! Make yerself at home, friend. Kin I interest ya in some a’ this here jug whiskey? No? Hope ya don’t mind if I help myself. Glug, glug, glug. Mmmmmm-mm!

What’s that ya say? Kin I tell ya any good stories? Hmmm, let me jest scratch my whiskers here and think on it some… Oh yes! Yep, yep, I got one. I reckon you’ll enjoy this tale, mister, it’s a doozy.

Ever heard tell of a feller name a’ James Cameron? Well, he wuz a gunslinger, ya see, a legend ’round these here parts. ‘Cept his gun wuz a camera. Fastest you ever seen. Why, he could make a movin’ pitcher in less’n 15 years!

He had fame. He had money. He wuz King of the World! But that warn’t enuff for ol’ Killer Cameron (that’s what they called him, Killer Cameron). He had to go around tellin’ ever’body that if they all tried to live like he did, the whole dang planet wuz a-gonna die.

And one day, well, one day he got fed up and done called some out some no-good, hornswogglin’, climate-denyin’ varmints:

“I want to call those deniers out into the street at high noon and shoot it out with those boneheads.”

Hee-hee-heeeeeeee! Oh, he wuz a fierce one, ol’ Killer. And wouldn’t ya know it, a few rotten, sidewindin’ rascals took him up on it: Mean Marc Morano, Calamity Ann McElhinney, and the worst a’ the whole bunch, Mad Dog Breitbart. “You just name the time and place,” they said, the Earth-murderin’ fury shinin’ in their eyes. “We’ll be there.”

So that’s what they done, they set up a duel and got theirselves ready for the gunfight to end all gunfights. After this epic battle, wouldn’t nobody try to deny the settled science a’ anthropogenic global warmin’ ever agin!

The time a’ the glorious showdown drew nigh. All wuz in readiness. And then Killer Cameron did what every great gunfighter does:

He turned tail and ran.

Ain’t that right, Newsbusters?

Multi-millionaire filmmaker James Cameron on Sunday backed out of a global warming debate that he asked for and organized.

For those that haven’t been following the recent goings on concerning Nobel Laureate Al Gore’s favorite money-making myth, an environmental summit was held this weekend in Aspen, Colorado, called AREDAY, which is short for American Renewable Energy Day.

Ahead of this conference, Cameron challenged three noted global warming skeptics to a public debate where he was going to personally “call those deniers out into the street at high noon and shoot it out with those boneheads.”

But accordin’ ta Calamity Ann:

Then, yesterday, just one day before the debate, his representatives sent an email that Mr. “shoot it out ” Cameron no longer wanted to take part. The debate was cancelled.

Haw-haw-hawwwwwww! You shoulda seen the looks on them fact-rustlers’ faces when ol’ Killer Cameron bravely refused ta face ’em. Then he called ’em names behind their backs! Go ahead, say he’s yeller all ya want — cuz, well, that’s what he is — but he’s the one wearin’ the white hat, if’n ya really don’t think about it.

Sure I cain’t interest ya in some a’ this whiskey, mister? Aw, hey, where ya goin’? We wuz just gettin’ acquainted! I’m so lonely, mister. I warn’t gonna try nothin’, I just wanted ta… Wait, come back! Don’t ya wanna hear about Inconvenient Al and the Hole-in-the-Theory Gang? Come back! Come baaaaaaaack!

Jim Treacher