1.) Saul Anuzis is pro-Saul Anuzis, not anti-Michael Steele — This is not the Democratic presidential primary of 2000 (or 2004); Saul Anuzis is not running as the lesser of two evils. “I’m not running an anti-Steele campaign,” Anuzis, a national GOP committeeman and former state GOPchair from Michigan, told The Daily Caller’s Alex Pappas on Friday. “My pitch and my argument to the members is that the circumstances [of the committee] have changed.” Basically, Steele is not, um, necessary anymore. “Steele, who is black, was a natural fit for the GOP when they were looking for a face and able spokesman for the party to rebut incoming President Obama, Anuzis argues.” How’s that for straight shooting?
2.) Joe Biden plays cruel prank on GQ magazine by speaking only in riddles — Don’t look now, but men’s cologne magazine GQ has published yet another glowing interview with an Obama White House staple! Geronimo Joe Biden got the honors this time around, with GQ’s Lisa DePaulo telling Biden that he and Obama are “two of the best communicators we’ve ever had running the country.” When asked why they “can’t seem to deliver their message?”, Biden goes nuts: “I think when the political pundits write about this election, they’re gonna say that voters took a longer amount of time to make up their minds this time than any time in recent history. And the reason is, when you’re angry, when you feel you have been just not treated well, you want to dwell on that. You don’t want to have to make a choice. You know, my Grandpop Finnegan used to have an expression, he used to say, ‘Joey, the guy in Olyphant’s out of work, it’s an economic slowdown. When your brother-in-law’s out of work, it’s a recession. When you’re out of work, it’s a depression.’ And so I think a lot of people are just now beginning to say, ‘Okay, dammit, I gotta make a choice here.'” (And yes, this is basically Biden saying the midterm results are akin to an extended period of deliberation by the American electorate.)
3.) Health Industrial Complex crucifies fat kids in Arizona — Things are about to get nannyish in Arizona: “Starting in the fall, students in the Flagstaff district will be weighed and measured at school,” reports TheDC’s Laura Donovan. “Students who are found to be overweight, marginally overweight, or underweight will have a letter sent home to their parents, which will include graphs showing a range of appropriate weights for a given age and height.” The Libertarian Party in Arizona is spitting vinegar over the new policy, and a local editorial described it in detail, but the Flagstaff school district doesn’t know what anyone is talking about. “This is not really anything new,” a nameless school executive told TheDC. “It’s not a policy, I’m not even sure it can be called a policy. Every child that shows something significant in testing will have a letter sent home.” IF THESE FASCISTS HAD THEIR WAY, SPANKY AND ALFALFA WOULD WEIGH THE SAME AND ALSO BE BORING.
4.) LA Times wakes from cryogenic chamber, discovers Cali has pension problems — Hello, editors of the LA Times! Welcome to the year 2010, where no one can read latimes.com on a BlackBerry because every link redirects to the homepage! “California public pensions underfunded” reads a headline in your fine publication! WELCOME TO THE NOW! “Independent government pension funds, including those operated by the city and county of Los Angeles, were in weaker conditions than previously estimated before the recession of 2008-2009,” reads the lead. AMAZING! According to a report you read from Stanford, “the growing obligation could force local governments to devote half of their payroll over the next 18 years to pay for such so-called unfunded liabilities.” WHOA! This is great, that people who work at the LA Times can now read studies from Stanford, whereas before all you could do was stare at the back of your lids because you were cryogenically frozen.
5.) Israelis and Palestinians agree to hate Obama — Gossip magazine Politico sent blogger Ben Smith to the Middle East on a fact-finding mission, and this is what he found: “Instead of becoming a heady triumph of his diplomatic skill and special insight, Obama’s peace process is viewed almost universally in Israel as a mistake-riddled fantasy. And far from becoming the transcendent figure in a centuries-old drama, Obama has become just another frustrated player on a hardened Mideast landscape.” Thankfully for America’s reputation, it is not just Obama who sucks at mending centuries-old rifts between ancient tribes! According to a nameless source (Yes, Politico’s three-anonymous-sources-per-story minimum applies even in foreign places), “some fret that not only has Obama failed to move the process forward, but that he and his Israeli and Palestinian counterparts may have dealt it a setback that will leave it worse off than when they began.”
6.) Will the TSA buckle under pressure from freedom lovers? — Now that Hillary Clinton has said she would not get the pat-down, will America’s most offensive and incompetent security agency finally get its act together? Possibly! “Transportation Security Administration head John Pistole said in a statement that the agency would work to make screening methods ‘as minimally invasive as possible,’ although he gave no indication that screening changes were imminent.” Leave it to a pistol to go off half-cocked.