I was amazed to find that most people I know did not watch President Obama’s State of the Union address on Tuesday night. Of course, who could blame someone for missing the leader of the free world detail his vision for the next year when it was broadcast opposite The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills?
Personally, I treat the State of the Union like a Super Bowl party, minus the beer commercials (although Joe Biden’s facial expressions are sometimes just as funny as the Budweiser talking lizards).
So on the night of the speech, I invited my buddies, Paul, Dave, and Pat over to my house to play the “SOTU Shot Game.” Every time President Obama said “investment,” we had to toss back a shot of Jagermeister.
For those of you who spent Tuesday evening watching Real Housewives, here are my actual notes from the speech:
9:00 p.m. – Speaker John Boehner gives the traditional one-sentence introduction of President Barack Obama. House and Senate leaders give Boehner a three-minute standing ovation for not crying.
9:03 p.m. – Obama begins the substance of his speech by asking Congress to cooperate with him. He highlights legislation passed in December making tax cuts that allowed businesses to write off investment … First “investment” of the night. Pat pours everybody a shot of Jager.
9:06 – Obama announces that we’ve broken the back of the recession, which draws wild applause from a bunch of people on the House floor who apparently all have jobs.
9:07 – Controversy arises in the SOTU game when Dave refuses to do a shot because Obama said investment in the context of China. Paul convinces everyone it’s okay since Obama made a similar toast to President Hu at the While House last week.
9:10 – The president calls on Congress to vote America to prosperity. “Business needs to invest in research” … hold on … another round.
9:11 – The president calls on this generation of Americans to experience its “Sputnik moment” and announces that he’s going to launch Vice President Biden into orbit like a Russian space monkey.
This announcement is followed by thunderous applause and a five-minute standing ovation. Pat offers to invest in the rocket, forcing the rest of us to drink another shot.
9:16 – Another SOTU game controversy arises when the president uses “investment” twice in the same sentence. Dave expresses concern that we’ll run out of Jager before the end of the speech. In a compromise, Pat pours everyone just one shot each and I ask my wife to go out and invest in more Jager.
9:18 – Declaring fossil fuel to be a thing of the past, Obama says that America should raise gas prices to invest in wind-turbine automobiles.
9:20 – There was just some monologue about investing in education. I might be getting a little drunk, but I think he said that many illegal immigrants grew up as Americans.
9:25 – Congress needs to re-double its efforts to either get faster trains or faster Internet. I’m not quite sure which. Paul says its both, takes a shot and hurls. He’s out of the drinking game but still has a shot at the crying pool.
9:26 – It’s time to simplify the tax code to make it simpler than the last time Congress simplified the tax code.
9:27 – It went by pretty quickly, but I think Obama said the words “health care.”
9:37 – I just missed a big portion of the speech because Keith Olbermann came to my door asking if I wanted to buy any commentary. Pat said that while I was gone Obama pledged to protect senior citizens using two guys named Vinny and Knuckles.
9:48 – Boehner still not crying.
9:49 – In a massive reorganization of government, all executive branch employees will now report to a single czar via a bi-weekly conference call held every other Thursday.
9:50 – Obama vows to veto any bill containing earmarks that are not investments.
9:51 – There has been so much investment in America that Pat is sick, Dave is passed out and Paul’s wife had to come take him home.
9:53 – I know that Obama is pandering to the right, but he went too far by thrusting his arms upward and declaring, “Ich bin ein Tea Partier.”
9:55 – A declaration that America will stand with the people of Tunisia gets a standing ovation and prompts Biden to leans over and ask Boehner if Tunisia is in Ohio.
10:07 – The president talks about Speaker Boehner sweeping up floors in his dad’s bar in Cincinnati, reaches behind the podium and shakes Boehner’s hand. I think that makes Dave the winner of the crying pool. I’ll give him his fiver tomorrow when he wakes up.
Rick Robinson is the author of political thrillers which can be purchased on Amazon and at book stores everywhere. His latest novel, Manifest Destiny has won seven writing awards, including Best Fiction at the Paris Book Festival.