Lost in the Egyptian democracy movement, the ouster of Hosni Mubarak and the huge, deficit-spending, $3.7 trillion budget just submitted by Obama (worry not — he says he has a plan to cut the deficit 10 years out) is what is important to Americans: What has been going on with our celebrities?
With our 140-character, Twitter-and-text world and a country so ADD that we make coffee nervous, complex subjects like the Mideast and our budget deficit may seem beyond our comprehension. But we all understand sex, and that is where my man Charlie Sheen grabs the headlines.
If Charlie Sheen were a board game, he would be a lot more fun than Candy Land. When not filming Two and a Half Men, Charlie enjoys drugs, porn stars and hookers, blurring the line between the character he plays on TV and that of a married man with kids.
Sheen has two distinctions and “high” honors. He is the first guy to be sued for disparaging the name of a third-rate porn star. And he is the only john in America that hookers demand be tested before any sexual contact. The CDC in Atlanta has a special CSI division (Charlie Sheen Investigations).
In 1990, Sheen accidentally shot his then-girlfriend, Kelly Preston, setting the stage for a series of run-ins with the law. The only time he really had to pay the price is when he was prosecuted in Colorado. In the past, he had the advantage of being tried as a celebrity in Los Angeles, where the stiffest penalty was rehab in his multimillion-dollar home. Let that be a lesson to you kids out there: Act like a total jackass your whole life and Hollywood will pay you more than $25 million a year.
He is getting divorced from his most recent wife because it seems he has had it with all her embarrassing shenanigans. If there is one open-and-shut case that need not clog up our court system, it would be a divorce suit against Charlie Sheen. His currently divorcing wife need only present tapes of the evening news and police arrest reports as her exhibits.
CBS sees fit to pay Sheen $1.25 million per episode. By “episode,” CBS must mean when the police are called. The sad thing about his selfish behavior is that when he does not work, none of other members of his show’s cast and crew get paid. Where else is co-star Jon Cryer going to get work? But selfish and destructive behavior has long been the hallmark of such Hollywood liberals.
Always opining politically since being kicked out of Santa Monica “High” for bad grades, Charlie’s leftist musings included being an advocate of the 9/11 Truth movement (“Truthers”), which believes that George Bush orchestrated the attacks on the World Trade Center. Always a trendsetter, Charlie set in motion the same “blame Bush” strategy that President Obama and the Democrats employ today.
There was a time when news and political ideas were discussed by intelligent people to logical ends. Now the best way to advance an idea is to find an idiot (insert your Hollywood star’s name here) celebrity and have him spread the word.
Charlie gave an inspirational speech to the UCLA baseball team in which he told the players to “drink milk and stay off crack.” He then asked them for their milk straws, a mirror, and where the cheerleaders were practicing. Charlie has a lot to say about baseball and loyalty; he decided to end his career as a Cleveland Indian.
After a night of drugs and cavorting with multiple hookers (you need several as you never know when one might get injured and need her understudy), he was admitted to the hospital with a “hernia.” My advice for Charlie at this late stage of his life is that if you pay upfront for a hooker, she is a sure thing. There is really no need to carry her over the threshold.
The guy that deserves the money is Charlie’s publicist, who seems to make up excuses for his client using one those magic 8-balls. This is perfect, because an 8-ball set into motion most of Sheen’s problems.
Maybe there is a political future for Sheen. Having mirrored Italian Prime Minister Berlusconi’s lifestyle, Charlie might be groomed to replace him soon.
Ron Hart is a syndicated op-ed humorist, author and TV/radio commentator. Email Ron@RonaldHart.com or at visit RonaldHart.com