If there was one person I thought I could still trust in this crazy ol’ world, it was Charlie Sheen. Which is why the following news is so disappointing. Via Sean O’Neal at the AV Club:

Reports of Charlie Sheen selling out dates on his upcoming “My Violent Torpedo Of Truth” tour may be—uncharacteristically—exaggerated, as CNBC reporter Jane Wells points out. Although Sheen bragged that tickets for his debut shows in Chicago and Detroit were gone in a matter of minutes, the peevish Wiffle ball of fact reveals that well over 1,000 of those seats for each venue were purchased by scalpers. Most of them have since been lingering on sites like StubHub and BargainSeatsOnline.com, and are all currently available for much, much less than face value, suggesting that the buyers may have greatly overestimated the public demand to hear Charlie Sheen say “winning” in person.

If you’re wondering what the hell a Charlie Sheen one-man show would even entail, People magazine reports:

“A rehearsed show,” tour co-producer Joey Scoleri tells PEOPLE. “It will be spoken word, it’ll be funny and there will be interaction with the audience.”

In fact, “Charlie has been furiously putting together his show,” says a source who has been with the Two and a Half Men star in the past week. “He’s been working with actors, directors and writers. He is really working around the clock.”

That last part’s easy to believe, at least. And when they say he’s putting together his show “furiously,” they mean he’s trashing the room and screaming about Chuck Lorre. You know, it’s a bit odd for Charlie Sheen to expect people to pay him to interact with them. Isn’t it usually the other way around?

Mostly I’m worried about what this tour is going to do to New York City. Bloomberg couldn’t even handle a simple snowstorm. How’s he going to keep the streets cleared when Sheen shows up?