Or: Slaying Osama Trumps Unemployment.
The 2012 State of the Union address, in sum: “Everything’s great, except for those areas that need improvement, which are not my fault, and also Bin Laden Bin Laden Bin Laden.”
That’s all you really need to know about it. If you were unlucky enough to sit through any portion of it, you could be forgiven for thinking you’d gone back in time:
At least he wore a different tie. (Hat tip: Ace)
I didn’t livetweet it because I hate myself. I livetweeted it sober because I hate myself. And now I’m tired, and tired of Obama, so I guess I’ll just recycle some of that crap:
- You should watch #SOTU2012, because this might be the last year you can afford a TV or the electricity to run it.
- You don’t have to wait until Friday to see a visitor from another universe. #Fringe #SOTU2012
- Nobody wants to be the guy who didn’t clap loud enough.
- There’s just something about his smile that’s so genuine. And by “something” I mean “nothing.”
- Of course they’re all applauding him. They all still have jobs.
- Obama is following the example of the military. They kill terrorists, and he kills jobs.
- “Everybody should be successful. Just not TOO successful.”
- “Sure, those jobs aren’t coming back. You know who else ain’t comin’ back? Osama Bin Glubglub!”
- “What’s happening in Detroit can happen in other places.” Less than 10 minutes in and he’s already reduced to threats.
- When he goes into that annoying half-whisper, listen extra-carefully because he’s really laying on the bovine feces.
- Hey, job training leads to jobs. And here I thought it was people who could still afford to hire workers.
- Wait. Did he just say, “We’re running out of money”? How the heck did that happen?
- Every time Obama makes a promise, an angel is bludgeoned senseless and left for dead.
- Biden’s thinkin’ ’bout Wheat Thins. Mmmmm. Wheat Thins.
- Reminder: An investment is when you risk your OWN money.
- “Clean energy.” Okay, but Ed Begley’s really gonna need to carb-load.
- Speaking of alternate sources of energy, you could power Vegas for a year with the methane coming off this speech.
- Obama just called for nation-building right here at home. The nation he wants to build is Cuba.
- He’d better wrap it up, the apparatchiks are starting to lose steam.
- Bush-bashing. Is that in the drinking game? That should’ve been in the drinking game.
- This speech has fixed all the problems even better than his last speech that fixed all the problems.
- Did he just say “Git ‘er done”?
- You can make ’em stand and applaud for paying more taxes themselves, but you can’t make ’em like it.
- “You can call this class warfare all you want.” You got yourself a deal, champ.
- This crap makes sense as long as you assume all money belongs to the government and they just let you keep some of it.
- Washington is broken because the toilet keeps backing up even though he’s shoving all the money down it.
- He just said, “Finally…” So only 20 more minutes.
- “Ideology: Any belief that differs from my own.”
- A smarter, more effective government is one that makes all my decisions for me, right?
- Obama 2012: Four More Years of Having Killed Bin Laden.
- Yeah, you’ve really got Iran on the ropes, tough guy.
- Is this the longest State of the Union address ever? That’s historic.
- Stop worrying about your job. Bin Laden is dead, isn’t he?
- Clinton’s 2000 SOTU was 1:28, so Obama didn’t quite make it. Oh well. It was still historic and stuff.
- The idea was to tell so many of them, non-stop, that no single one of them stood out enough for anybody to yell, “You lie!”
- Obama 2012: Pay No Attention to Those Who Are Paying Attention