Ladies and gentlemen: the next mayor of the great city of New York.
After nearly two years of keeping quiet, former Rep. Anthony Weiner is speaking out.
“I think I’ll be spending a lot of time, here on out, saying I’m sorry,” he said.
Let me say this, here’s what I think people need to know. I did these inappropriate things and sent these inappropriate messages with more than one person, several people. And I have been excruciatingly honest, letter by letter, detail by detail, with my wife. And frankly, a lot of these things are in the public domain. An embarrassing amount is in the public domain. But out of respect for the idea that I’ve laid it all out for her and out of some respect for the privacy of the people who were at the other end of these correspondences, who’ve had their lives turned upside down, I am not going to go into the details of every bit of it. I’ll let other people do that.
I stand in awe of Anthony Weiner’s utter selflessness. He’s not dodging embarrassing questions because there’s no good way to answer them and still ask for anybody’s vote. He’s just protecting his long-suffering wife and all those poor innocent bystanders! Shouldn’t you be ashamed of yourself for asking him about it? Let’s move on.
Here’s a quick reminder of how “excruciatingly honest” Anthony Weiner has been:
We’ve all seen how Anthony Weiner operates under pressure. We’ve seen how he accepts accountability. It’s a simple three-step process:
- When you do something wrong, blame your opponents, curious reporters, faceless “hackers,” and anybody else you can hide behind until you can’t get away with it anymore.
- Make a tactical retreat.
- Come back after things cool down, wearing your most earnest “Trust Me, Folks” face, and reassure voters that those days are far behind you.
He can’t point fingers at Andrew Breitbart anymore when something goes wrong, but it’s not like Weiner’s ever had any trouble finding a convenient scapegoat.
I can’t think of a more perfect candidate for mayor.
And you won’t have to worry about Weiner trying to take away your sodas, New Yorkers. Just ask the women he chatted with online. All he wanted to talk about was giving them a big gulp.