Boston bomber to find out if he’s getting 72 virgins or 72 grapes

Neil Munro White House Correspondent
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Boston bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev is going to find out sooner than he expected whether jihadis get 72 virgins or 72 white grapes.

The experiment was announced today by Attorney General Eric Holder.

“After consideration of the relevant facts, the applicable regulations and the submissions made by the defendant’s counsel, I have determined that the United States will seek the death penalty in this matter,” Holder announced. “The nature of the conduct at issue and the resultant harm compel this decision.”

The jihadi and his brother detonated two homemade bombs in the heart of progressive Boston, at the April 15, 2013, culmination of an upper-class festival of vitality dubbed the “Boston Marathon.”

The Tsarnaev brothers, who were invited to live in the United States and to marry American women by the nice people in Boston, repaid the kindness by murdering three of their supposed peers.

Instead of integrating into the United States’ civilization, the two brothers failed to keep pace with local cultural norms of hard work, truth telling, trust and politeness. They retreated into their parents’ vibrant Chechen diversity, which celebrates banditry, macho aggression and the killing of enemies.

The self-actualization of their traditional culture was accelerated by their devoutly Muslim mother, who celebrated the death of Dzhokhar’s brother, Tamerlan, by declaring him to be a Muslim martyr.

Tamerlan was shot dead by police four days after the bombing, in a gunfight that also wounded Dzhokhar.

Orthodox Islamic texts say Muslims who murder non-Muslims go to Islam’s heaven, dubbed jinnah, where they are serviced in perpetuity by 72 virgin girls and sundry handsome boys.

However, Western language experts say the Quran’s linguistically obscure text is derived from Aramaic, which was the language spoken by many Middle Easterners at the time of Jesus. When read via Aramaic, the Quran’s text says martyrs get white grapes, not nubile virgins.

It is not clear how Dzhokhar Tsarnaev can report back the results of Holder’s experiment, given that the Quran does not mention whether dead jihadis get a Gmail account.

However, the provision of a Gmail account is very unlikely, because both of Google’s co-founders, Sergey Brin and Larry Page, are Jewish. The Quran, which is deemed to be the direct words of the Muslim god, declares that “thou wilt find the most vehement of mankind in hostility to [Muslims be] the Jews and the idolaters.”

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