If you think July 4th is just another excuse for you take the day off work, then think again!
It’s about freedom. It’s about liberty. And it’s about Dale Earnhardt (R.I.P. #3).
But it’s mainly about the country that God created in his own image — THE United States of America. Running the world since we first declared ourselves an independent nation in 1776.
And if you don’t love America, then you can move on back to Europe where you belong pinko!
In honor of this most sacred of holidays, we’ve picked out the movies that bleed red, white and blue from every reel and make you hallucinate a fleet of bald eagles carrying the spirit of freedom to every corner of the globe.
‘MERICA, f**k yeah!
Rambo: First Blood Part II
In 1985, America sends its number #1 domestic terrorist (he literally killed an entire police force in the first movie) on a mission that would seem impossible — win the Vietnam War in 1985. But that’s just because you don’t have any faith in John Rambo and he gives Charlie the ass-whooping they should’ve received back in 1968 all by himself. He liberates POWs and brings back the gold for America, while killing thousands of Vietnamese in the process. Yeah, that’s America. It also has great American actor Sylvester Stallone in it, so extra points.
When a giant asteroid is on a collision-course with Earth, the U.S. doesn’t send well-trained astronauts who know a lot of fancy-schmanzy science. We send semi-educated oil rig workers who spend most of their day hitting golf balls at tree huggers to save the world from complete annihilation instead. Starring all-American badass Bruce Willis, and some other less important people, Armageddon has enough drama and sciencey nonsense to let all citizens know that no other country can blow up a massive asteroid like we can.
In the 1980s, the Soviet Union ignored its massive domestic problems to do the thing it always dreamed of — invade middle-of-nowhere America for no real reason at all (like seriously, what is the strategic importance of this town out in Colorado?) Disregarding common sense and basic military strategy, “Red Dawn” boasts one of a hell stellar cast that includes: pre-coked out Charlie Sheen, Patrick Swayze in all his glory, and some other guys whose careers never made it out of the decade. When the entire Soviet military invades their small town, the only thing standing in their way is the varsity squad of the high school football team. But that’s all it takes to defeat the Evil Empire and for America to win back its freedom.
Chuck Norris single-handedly fends off an entire Communist invasion of the continental US. Literally. There’s nothing else to this plot. But that’s what makes American art.
This movie might rewrite history just a little bit, but who cares about accuracy when you can write your own version? In this 2000 classic, Nazi Germans disguised in British redcoats pillage the countryside and genocide colonials all before one man stands up for his people — and that’s Mel Gibson. The film’s major battle ends with the subtle climax of Gibson impaling the ruthless villain with Old Glory. Tasteful, patriotic, and just like the history books.
Team America: World Police
In this heartbreaking documentary about the elite squad that keeps our country safe, the late Kim Jong-Il launches a plot for world domination with his natural allies — Islamic terrorists and Hollywood liberals. Featuring authentic Arabic dialogue, tasteful love scenes, realistic sequences of devastation, and an AMAZING soundtrack, this movie offers everything a red-blooded American could enjoy. Plus, it’s 100% true (look it up).
Our country prides itself on kicking ass at everything we do — especially when it comes to sports. When the Soviet Union engineers a Hyperborean warrior/boxer who reigns death upon any challenger, we enlist the obvious choice to ring his bell — a much smaller and middle-aged Rocky Balboa. Thanks to a great soundtrack and training techniques from the Stone Age, Rocky manages to defeat the super soldier Ivan Drago on his own turf — proving that any American with the right songs can win any day of the week.
Air Force One
When an elite team of Russian former special operatives seize control of Air Force One, we all know that it isn’t going to be the Secret Service to save the day — it’s going to be the president by his own damn self. Harrison Ford stars as America’s first post-Cold War president, embodying the fundamental American principle that our commander-in-chief should also be our top warrior and quite capable of single-handedly dispatching heavily accented terrorists with a butter knife and a sub-machine gun that should’ve ran out of ammo much earlier in the film. No matter he saves his staff, his country, the current Russian government, and his own family with his actions. He doesn’t save the actual plane though, but hey, no one is perfect. Even our president. And there’s nothing more American than admitting we occasionally make mistakes.
If aliens ever attack Earth, we all know it won’t be France that saves humanity. Like an awesome combination of Air Force One, Armageddon, genocidal aliens, and our glorious day of freedom, a rag tag team of untrained pilots led by our warrior-president take on a far more advanced intergalactic space force intent on exterminating mankind. Needless to say, America wins. And even though all of our cities have been destroyed and the majority of Earth’s population was wiped out by the alien invasion, we get to have cigars in the end and act like nothing ever happened. Featuring Will Smith and the dude from Jurassic Park, this film also boasts the most inspiring speech in recorded history. Watch it and remember aliens can’t stand up to the U.S. of A.
Aviator sunglasses. Planes. Cold War. 1980s. EPIC Kenny Loggins soundtrack. Cool pilot nicknames. Tom Cruise. Pre-Batman Forever Val Kilmer. Sweaty dude-on-dude on beach volleyball action. Maverick. ‘Nuff said.
The last Stallone pic and the last selection this list once again features America’s favorite domestic terrorist (he also killed a lot of National Guardsmen in the first film) taking on the entire Soviet army in Afghanistan. The chances might be lopsided… in favor of Rambo, but he still makes for a thrilling movie as we see him defend the American way by fighting alongside
Islamic radicals we would have to go to war against in the 21st century fellow patriots. Helicopters are blown up, egos are enlarged, and communism dies. Thanks Rambo!