DC Trawler

World Is Safe From Happy Iranians … At Least For Now

Derek Hunter Contributor
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Remember the scourge of young Iranians dancing to Pharrell Williams’ song “Happy”? Remember the feeling of terror you had when you first saw those kids enjoying life, dancing and acting normally? Rest easy, my friends, they’ve finally gotten their comeuppance.

The Iranian government, consultation with John Lithgow’s character from Footloose, sentenced the seven monsters responsible for that videofootloose_6 abomination to six months in prison and 91 lashes each. Feel safer now?

In an act of mercy, the sentence was suspended and will only be carried out if any of these heathens rouse any rabble in the future.

In a statement they didn’t release, the Iranian government said, “I hope this teaches young people that life is to be nothing but misery, a hell on Earth. And if you live a miserable enough life you will be welcomed into paradise, if you’re a man, or used as a sex toy for suicide bombers if you have the misfortune of being a woman. Either way, shut up and be unhappy or we will make you unhappy. Also, we aren’t building nuclear weapons.”

Here’s a reminder of what you’ve been protected from: