The Mirror

The Hill’s 50 Really Honestly Not That Beautiful People List

The Hill has been hacking away at this list for quite awhile. They’ve now extended it to members of the Administration and have repeats and people who really aren’t attractive. The true beauties have appeared on previous lists. What’s more, after repeatedly getting accused of racism for not having enough black, Indian, Asian or fat people on the list, they bend over backwards to accommodate everyone.

It’s an ugly state of affairs.

While it’s not what it was, the feature still blows up every summer because Washington is bored, exasperated from the heat and likes to see itself in pictures. Everyone else likes to mock it. The list has become Washington’s guilty pleasure.

To that end, we’re going to offer our observations — take what you like and leave the rest. If you’re easily offended, stop reading now. We don’t give a crap about your endless sensitivities.

(Full disclosure: I first created the list for The Hill in 2003 with the help of a D.C. lobbyist who suggested the idea over lunch. I really had to persuade my then-editor Hugo Gurdon, now editorial director of The Washington Examiner, who had major doubts that such a list would work or take off in Washington. The lobbyist’s name shall remain anonymous.)

Since 13 is an unlucky number, we’re going with that as the number of “beauties” we will analyze. My panel consists of: Myself, Daily Caller sports reporter Christian Datoc, Daily Caller reporter Evan Gahr (a.k.a. Washington Gadyfly), two unnamed Daily Caller interns, and Anonymous.

13. Yusuf Parray, 23, staffer, Rep. Mike Honda (D-Calif.)

Christian: That cut in his eyebrow makes you not notice how far apart his eyes are… for a second.

Betsy: There’s nothing a Sharpie can’t fix.

Intern 1: Hard to say what is climbing faster, Yusuf’s career or that piece of eyebrow.

Anonymous: Yusuf’s mom — “You don’t have weird eyebrows. God just ran out of ink when he was making you.”

Intern 2: In the interview, Parray won’t reveal his domestic status, but judging from the facial injury it is probably “complicated.”

Evan Gahr: His grungy half-beard is really annoying. He should either grow a full one or shave properly.

12. Chase Jennings, 28, producer, Washington Watch With Tony Perkins, Family Research Council

Betsy: Can he use a little more mousse for the front of his hair?

Christian: He looks like what Matthew McConaughey’s “True Detective” character would have been if he wasn’t an undercover, narco-badass a.k.a. a boring guy who occasionally says crazy stuff in an over the top accent.

Intern 1: Men who own multiple necklaces should be regarded as complete tools and potentially insane.

Anonymous: Chase Jennings could always resort to porn with a name like that.

Intern 2: Chase Jennings mentions that he spends weekends helping out in a Southeast church “in a V-neck, some type of necklace on, a watch and jeans.” It’s called a collar, and keep your Altar Boy-Bondage to yourself, Jennings.

Evan Gahr: This guy also does has like two days growth. Would it take an exhaustive exertion of energy to shave properly? They work in Congress.

11. Michelle Rutter, 24, lobbyist, National Cannabis Industry Assoc.

Betsy: As is typical of The Hill, they have an actual pretty person, so why not put her in the nosebleed section toward the bottom of the list?

Christian: This Virginia native looks like a Northerner trying to be a Southerner, so basically she’s Virginia in a nutshell. Also, since when is the pineapple a VA state symbol????

Anonymous: The eyes say yes, but the garden of wildflowers hanging on her neck say no.

Intern 1: Michelle and her scary necklace should both go back to the 1700’s.

Evan Gahr: It looks like she has fake lenses to make her eyes look really blue.

Intern 2: With Rutter’s relationship status listed as “Taken” we have final confirmation for the fourth installment of the nation’s least appreciated movie franchise.

10. First lady Michelle Obama

Betsy: Is this a horror film? Those wildflowers are going to leap off her chest and swallow her whole. More importantly, why kiss the first lady’s ass now?

Christian: I used to not be a big FLOTUS fan. Oh wait, my bad, I said that wrong. I’m not a big FLOTUS fan.

Intern 1: At #9…lol ok whatever you say Hill.

Evan Gahr: She has the face of a ferret.

Intern 2: While originally concerned about the Iran Deal, the first lady and health food proponent was relieved after being promised mushroom clouds over select American cities.

9. Juan McCollum, 32, general counsel, Del. Stacey Plaskett (D-Virgin Islands)

Betsy: The tongue on that bulldog is astounding.

Christian: Didn’t know he was on “I Love New York.” Classic show. Major props.

Intern 1: You’ve heard the saying owners often look like their dogs…for better or worse.

Anonymous: Really missed an opportunity to accessorize the cast on his hand. At least match it up with the pocket hanky.

Intern 2: Mr. McCullum is an ambitious man: Rocking dreadlocks with the first name Juan, and owning an English bulldog plus a Scottish last name, are just four ways in which he has attempted to stretch his identity to encompass all potential nationalities and ethnicities.

Evan Gahr: Properly groomed–rare for the list.

8. Taylor Weeks

Christian: I’ve always had a soft-spot for redheads, and Taylor is no exception… HMU (770) 367-3248

Betsy: Bouncy and beautiful hair. Is this for a Suave shampoo commercial? Alternatively: Is this GotNews editor-in-chief Charles Johnson’s much better looking sister?

Anonymous: A ginger? Number 1? I demand a recount.

Intern 1: 5’10 a little tall for my taste.

Evan Gahr: Is Taylor Weeks her real name? Or a porn name?

Intern 2: While technically not alive, Ms. Weeks has been kept in (R-Texas) John Cornyn’s office to ward off constituents and other undesirables with her signature lifeless gaze.

7. Chris “Gindy” Gindlesberger, 34, veep of public affairs and communications for the National Confectioners Association

Betsy: Whoa! Nice manspreading.

Christian: Dude, we live in a swamp. Put on some socks. For all of us, baby.

Intern 1: Spends his days talking about candy… and the rest his of time is devoted to dressing like Willy Wonka.

Anonymous: Put some socks on, you animal. Hot leather and foot sweat is a bad look on anyone, but especially on a grown man called “Gindy.”

Intern 2: Due to his name and general appearance, Gindy has spent his entire career battling the prejudice that he is a fictional character.

Evan Gahr: Another guy who thinks he is too hip to shave everyday.

6. Jon Adams, 28, digital director, NRSC

Christian: He just looks pretty boring, pretty white bred. Minus points for being a crossfitter.

Betsy: What’s Aaron Schock doing on the list? Didn’t he leave Congress under the dark cloud of a Downton Abbey scandal?

Intern 1: You might want to stop trying so hard, between the blue-steel gaze and the cross-fit plug, lighten up.

Evan Gahr: Did he just step out of a J. Crew catalog?

Intern 2: Mr. Adams shares that losing his shoulder-length hair led to many reintroductions in his resident home of D.C., but offers no information as to whether people have since forgotten him.

Anonymous: Jon Adams looks like Don Draper’s slowed-up cousin.

5. Carl Ray, Michelle Obama’s makeup artist

Christian: L-O-FUCKING-L

Betsy: It’s one thing to inflict us with Michelle Obama. But now you’re going to assault us with her makeup artist whose tattooed arms were inspired by her garden?

Intern 1: You would think the First Lady’s makeup artist would know better then to steal 3D glasses from his local movie theater.

Anonymous: Carl has the look of that weird uncle who will sell you and your friends ecstasy while your parents are out of town.

Evan Gahr: His shirt is unbuttoned to “guidoish” lengths.

Intern 2: As a cosmetic guru and registered Democrat working for Michelle Obama, Carl Ray sums up both his occupation and Democratic politics in a single quip: “Concentrate just on having pretty skin,” Ray said. “All the other stuff is extra.”

4. Sheila Nix, 53, chief of staff, Second Lady Jill Biden

Christian: She worked for U2, which is kind of funny because this list blows, “With Or Without” her being featured on it.

Betsy: I know they were trying to make the over 50 crowd happy, but they should’ve nixed this one (pun intended).

Intern 1: A poor man’s Hillary Clinton…in short yikes.

Evan Gahr: She looks like the before picture of somebody who had a face lift.

Intern 2: As the chief of staff for Jill Biden, Ms. Nix has perfected the facial expression of simultaneous glib happiness and crippling anxiety.

3. Alex Rosen. 26, video producer, CNN Politics

Christian: I’m very confused. Does he have that “Benjamin Button” disease?

Betsy: Premature graying can be so hot.

Intern 1: An inspirational to all the people out there with dead skunks on their head.

Anonymous: Hey Alex! I’ve got a joke so funny, it’ll turn your hair white… Oops.. Guess you’ve already heard it.

Intern 2: Despite his seeming joviality in the left hand picture, when asked about his party affiliation Rosen answered “nonpartisan,” thinking the question was referring to his social life. His subsequent existential crisis can be seen in the right hand photo.

Evan Gahr: Very mangy hair. At least two weeks overdue for a hair cut.

2. Jack Lincoln, 24, staff asst., House Resources Committee

Betsy: “Dude, we can get high for this shoot right?”

Christian: I’m not gay, but I would. When I looked into his eyes it was like the first time I ever heard the Beatles.

Intern 1: Apparently he used to model, but what happened?

Evan Gahr: He looks like a young Sean Penn in his breakout “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” role.

Intern 2: Working as a staff assistant for the House Natural Resources Committee, Mr. Lincoln puts his experience as a former model to good use by posing daily as a manmade natural disaster.

1. President Obama

Betsy: ‘Where’s CBS’s Major Garrett? Why isn’t he on this moronic list?’

Christian: Oh, come on. I could see 2008 POTUS being on this list, but 2015? #50ShadesOfGray

Intern 1: The guy has always reminded me of a bush baby, between the large ears and the small brain.

Evan Gahr: Cute but smug.

Intern 2: While many have bullied the President for his greying hair, it is a little known fact that Obama deliberately dyed it in order to appear wiser as his policies seemed to make him look like an idiot.