With Rep. Kevin McCarthy’s sudden exit from the race to be the next Speaker of the House, the contest is completely wide open. So who will ultimately be elected to replace John Boehner to become third-in-line for the presidency?
As many have noted, you don’t actually have to be a member of Congress to be elected Speaker of the House. And with a Congress infused with Republican anti-establishmentarians, what would be more anti-establishment than picking someone completely outside Congress altogether?
What follows are the 8 most likely next Speakers, in descending order:
8.) Zombie Winston Churchill
PHOTO: Wikipedia Commons
Winston Churchill was for a time essentially the lone world leader standing up to Nazi Germany. He shouldn’t have a problem standing up to Barack Obama and congressional Democrats.
7.) Rabbi Shmuley Boteach
PHOTO: REUTERS/Mike Segar
Isn’t it time for America’s first Jewish Speaker of the House? If Eric Cantor didn’t get upset in his 2014 Republican primary, we might be on the verge of congressional history. But in the absence of Cantor, why not Rabbi Shmuley Boteach? Boteach ran for Congress as a Republican in 2012, was a spiritual adviser to Michael Jackson and is the author 30 books, including such classics as “Kosher Sex: A Recipe for Passion and Intimacy” and “Kosher Adultery: Seduce and Sin with your Spouse.” Looking over his resume, the only question critics might have is whether he is overqualified for the job.
6.) Breitbart’s Matthew Boyle
PHOTO: Screenshot
As if an explanation is necessary.
5.) Lee Greenwood
PHOTO: Getty Images
As the conservative singer bellows in his landmark “Proud To Be An American”: “I’d gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today. ‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land God bless the U.S.A.” Greenwood embodies the spirit of the conservative movement — it might be time for that spirit to soar in Congress.
4.) Gary Brooks Faulkner
PHOTO: REUTERS
In 2010, Gary Brooks Faulkner packed his samurai sword and his pistol and traveled to Pakistan on a one-man mission to kill Osama bin Laden. Faulkner never completed his mission, ultimately being arrested by authorities in a Pakistani forest. But though Faulkner was not successful in his hunt for bin Laden, he did show a certain gusto that’s sorely missing in Congress today. Don’t be surprised if House Republicans award him for his heroism by naming him the next House Speaker.
3.) Donald Trump
PHOTO: REUTERS/Gretchen Ertl
Let’s face it: When Donald Trump becomes President Of The United States in 2017, he’s going to be kind of bored. It will just be too easy for a man of Mr. Trump’s talents to “Make America Great Again.” As you know, the billionaire mogul is very, very high-energy. So why not also make him Speaker of the House so he can simultaneously “Make Congress Great Again?” It just makes so much sense.
2.) Dikembe Mutombo
The former four-time NBA Defensive Player of The Year was famous for blocking shots and then wagging his finger as if to say, “Not in my house!, or if you prefer “Seinfeld” parlance, “No soup for you!” At a time House Republicans are looking for a man to stand up to President Obama and block his agenda, who would be better than the greatest blocker in NBA history?
1.) The “Don’t Tread On Me” Flag
PHOTO: Getty Images
While many people have noted that the Speaker of the House doesn’t have to be a sitting member of Congress, few have pointed to any requirement mandating the Speaker be a human being. From my limited research — and “limited” should be read to mean “non-existent” — there is no rule barring the Speaker from being an inanimate object. And what better inanimate object is there to be Speaker than the Gadsden “Don’t Tread On Me” flag? Sources in Vegas tell me the “Don’t Tread On Me” flag is actually the odds on favorite to win the post.