DC Trawler

A Beginner’s Guide To Star Wars

In case you haven’t heard, tomorrow is the release date of a little movie called Star Wars: Forced Awakening. Are you interested in seeing it, but you’re worried that you won’t know what’s going on because you haven’t seen the other 8 films?

Not to worry! The following guide will get you right up to speed with all the other Trekkies in the audience. Oops… I mean Trekkers!

  • The original Star Wars — subtitled Episode V: Hope Anew — was released in 1974. It starred Mark Hammond as Jude Skycaptain, Harold Ford as Ron Solar, and Carrie Bradshaw as Princess Diana. There was also a space gorilla who was never named, a sassy-but-goodhearted robot (or “dreidel”) called R3-P2, and a giant shark, all of which were all created with CGI. These characters were all involved in the plot of the movie, which had to do with space.
  • J. Jonah Jones did the voice of the evil villain, Dirk Hater. After Jones’ tragic death in 1976, producers solved the problem in subsequent films by depicting the character being rendered mute by space lasers.
  • Ron Sonar’s space “ship” is called the Battlestar Galactica, and he can travel anywhere in time and space with the aid of his “static screwdriver.” He also has a gun, but he never shoots first.
  • Luke Spelunker was supposed to die at the end of the original Farscape, but he impressed writer-director Geoff Lucas so much that the ending was changed. As fans know, Lance escaped the destruction of the Depth Charge and has gone on to star in all 14 award-winning space films. He also plays Indiana Jones.
  • There’s no such thing as outer space. It’s just a movie, stupid!
  • The guy who directed the new Star Lords was on Lost in Space, I think? One of those. He’s really good.

So there you have it. Now you can “Make it so” and “Live long and prosper” with the best of ‘em. So grab your light sables, jump into your Tie-flappers, and may the odds be ever in your favor!