If you’re into self-dramatization, Donald Trump’s candidacy is perfect for you.
Half of the Washington political class is vowing to vote for Hillary — even Stalin! — over Trump; psychologists (and massage therapists) report they are treating patients for “Trump anxiety”; lengthy thought-pieces on Trump have no room to mention his signature issue, immigration, but get prolix on George Wallace, Mussolini and Hitler. (Never Mao, Stalin or Lenin, curiously.)
You’re going to have to act quickly if you hope to be among the first 200 princesses to feel the pea under 15 layers of mattresses.
To save you time, I will provide the prototype. Do not be surprised if the following turns up, word for word, under the byline of David Brooks, Stephen Hayes, Cokie Roberts, every single writer for Salon, Gawker, National Review, Commentary and The Huffington Post. And then, of course, Fareed Zakaria will steal it.
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“J’accuse Donald Trump”
Watching the candidacy of Donald Trump, I am continually struck by his resemblance to a man who came to power in a far-off land nearly 85 years ago, a historical epic that I had naively hoped was well buried in the past.
Consider the following:
— Adolf Hitler held gigantic rallies, where he inspired millions with rousing speeches. Donald Trump holds gigantic rallies, where he inspires millions with rousing speeches.
— Adolf Hitler talked about making his country great again. Donald Trump talks about making his country great again.
— Adolf Hitler promised military victories. Donald Trump promises military victories.
— Adolf Hitler had a loyal and overweight henchman, Hermann Goering. Donald Trump has a loyal and overweight henchman, Chris Christie.
— Adolf Hitler blamed a specific group of immigrants for all the nation’s problems (Ed: Jews weren’t immigrants — Close enough!). Donald Trump blames a specific group of immigrants for all the nation’s problems.
— Adolf Hitler vowed to build a wall (Ed: Wait a minute — when did Hitler talk about a wall? Shhhh! Nevermind!) Donald Trump vows to build a wall.
— Adolf Hitler was a teetotaler. Donald Trump is a teetotaler.
— Adolf Hitler had a hobby that he enjoyed very much (painting). Donald Trump has a hobby that he enjoys very much (golf).
— Adolf Hitler had an opulent home in the city as well as a country home, “The Berghof” in Berchtesgaden. Donald Trump has an opulent home in the city as well as a country home, “Mar-a-Lago” in Palm Beach.
— Adolf Hitler was involved with a woman from Central Europe, Eva Braun. Donald Trump is married to a woman from Central Europe, Melania Knauss.
— Adolf Hitler had a pact with the Soviet Union from 1939 to 1941; Donald Trump said nice things about Russian president Vladimir Putin.
— Adolf Hitler required all non-Jewish, German civilians to greet one another with a rigid right-arm salute, while exclaiming “Heil!” or “Heil Hitler!” Donald Trump has asked audiences to promise to vote for him by raising their hands, which is the PRECISELY same thing.
— Adolf Hitler was a vegetarian; Donald Trump has never smoked.
— Adolf Hitler forcibly annexed Czechoslovakia. Donald Trump tried to merge two casinos in Atlantic City.
— Adolf Hitler invested hundreds of millions of dollars on German aviation to upgrade the Luftwaffe. Donald Trump has invested hundreds of millions of dollars in private jets.
— Adolf Hitler never had any children, but if he had, they would probably have been blond. Both of Donald Trump’s daughters are blond.
— Adolf Hitler’s favorite food was liver dumplings, a dish very similar to meatloaf. (Ed.: They’re not remotely similar. No one knows that.) Donald Trump’s favorite food is meatloaf.
— Adolf Hitler had light hair and a moustache. Donald Trump has light hair and a moustache. (This has not been definitively established, but some who knew Trump in the 1970s recall that he had a moustache, albeit a fuller, longer one.)
— One of Adolf Hitler’s idols was World War I fighter pilot Manfred von Richthofen, also known as “the Red Baron.” Donald Trump’s son is named Barron. (It’s spelled differently, but sounds the same.)
— Adolf Hitler liked Eva Braun because she was very attractive; Donald Trump’s wife, Melania, is very attractive.
— Adolf Hitler vowed to exterminate entire races; Donald Trump has vowed to exterminate ALL Mexicans and Central Americans. (Mr. Trump has yet to call for this, but if he had, it would be an amazing parallel and speak very ill of his character.)
— One of Adolf Hitler’s favorite desserts, not his No. 1 favorite, but one he enjoyed several times a year, was chocolate ice cream. Donald Trump has talked about formerly liking Oreos. (Recently, he vowed never to eat Oreos again because Nabisco moved its factories to Mexico. This does not negate his previous position on the cookie.)
— Adolf Hitler was known for erecting concentration camps – surrounded by walls to keep people out, particularly Mexicans. (Ed: That’s not true.) Donald Trump wants to build a wall.
— Allowing Adolf Hitler to come to power was a horrible mistake for an entire nation; allowing Donald Trump to come to power will be a horrible mistake for an entire nation.
In conclusion, [dramatic music plays] I have covered American politics for 30 years. For the first time in my life I am afraid for my country. Very afraid. Very, very afraid. Very, very, very afraid.