DC Trawler

Please Stop Telling Me This Is The Most Important Election Of Our Lifetime

Photo by John Sciulli/Getty Images for NALIP)

If that’s the case, why is everybody talking about Miss Universe 1996?

Four years ago, the most important things we were supposed to know about the GOP nominee were his car-top dog carrier and his binders full of women. Four years before that, we were all supposed to care about tanning beds and, I dunno, about a zillion other things that didn’t matter. Now, we’re all supposed to care about the way Donald Trump treated a beauty-pageant winner 20 years ago.

I don’t care. I didn’t care last week, I don’t care this week, I won’t care next week. It doesn’t affect my life in the least bit. But that’s where we are, after 8 years of President Slow-Jam the News.

Now, clearly, the Clinton campaign set this whole thing up. Hillary just happens to mention some beauty-pageant winner from back in the days when Bill was getting BJs from a White House intern, and the very next day Cosmopolitan has a big story on this woman America had forgotten? Yeah, what a coincidence.

And just as clearly, Trump has fallen right into the trap they set for him. Derek Hunter reports:

As the week-long story of Alicia Machado was winding down, GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump threw more fuel on the fire with an early morning tweet storm Friday.

I’m told that this is all part of Trump’s plan. The master strategist is weaving his magic. If that’s the case, then I wish him luck with it. It looks to me like they baited him in the most obvious way possible and yet he fell for it anyway, but I guess I’m just not seeing the long game. What do I know, anyway? I figured a conservative, or at least a sane person, would be the GOP nominee. I didn’t think we’d still be talking about Donald Trump in October 2015, let alone today.

Down is up. Every time Trump says something stupid, he gains ground. Maybe that’ll keep happening. Maybe he’ll win on Nov. 8. I have no idea, but if you think you do, God bless ya.

If he’s going to pick on overweight women for the rest of the campaign, which at this point is fine by me, I hope he’ll get around to Amy Schumer before Election Day. That’s a feud I’d like to see. I mean, Rosie O’Donnell? Who cares? Get some new material, Donald.

I used to think anything mattered. I humbly admit I was wrong. You’ve shown me the way, America. #nihilism

P.S. Okay, I have to admit, I’m enjoying the media’s panic right now. They wanted Trump to be the GOP nominee for the same reason I didn’t: It seemed obvious that he’d lose. But now he’s doing better than anybody expected — whether that’s despite his behavior or because of it, I do not know — and they’re freaking out. If I can’t enjoy the success of either candidate, at least I can enjoy the pain of their supporters.