I’m not what you would call a Halloween guy. In fact, I’ll go a step further – I don’t like Halloween at all. This excuse for a holiday takes the already injurious experience of confabbing with strangers in cramped spaces and adds the insult of having to come up with some sort of imaginative masquerade for the occasion. I’m not a fan of parties to begin with, and the fact that every Halloween affair doubles as a public test of one’s creativity makes it all the more humiliating.
But here we are. It’s October. Pumpkin spice lattes are available at Starbucks and there is an MLB playoff game tonight. The invites for annual autumnal indignity at month’s end have already begun to roll in. Which means I have to start thinking about a costume, and, even worse, I have to start thinking about an answer when people ask me what I’m thinking about for a costume.
In a typical year, my “what should I be for Halloween” consideration period lasts from October 1 to October 30 (or whatever the day before the first shindig happens to be). This time of contemplation is also always fruitless, because I invariably always end up as the same thing – a guy in a hat. Specifically, whatever hat I can find day-of. I proceed to tell people that I’m dressed as whatever figure normally wears such headwear. For example, in recent years I’ve “been” a sailor (captain’s hat), a plantation owner (straw hat), Prohibition-era gangster (fedora) and Donald Trump (Make America Great Again hat). I’m nothing if not consistent.
But maybe this year will be different. After all, I am still in the “thinking about a costume” stretch of October. And while normally I never get an actual costume because I am both indolent and uninspired, today is different. Halloween costumes are half off today on Amazon. This means I neither have to exert too much effort to come up with an idea nor do I have to spend time shopping beyond a few easy clicks.
With this convenience and this bargain, I might actually do something this year. Already, after scrolling through the options for less than a minute, I am wowed by this stunning ensemble:
That’s a hard deal to pass. I just might do it. Then again, I’ll most likely simply wear a hat. In fact, there’s even one included in the sale.
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