SATIRE: Should We Celebrate Valentine’s Day?


Rob Shimshock Education Reporter
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We should all take great care to celebrate only the most inclusive holidays. For example, commemorating Christmas marginalizes other religions and observing the Fourth of July reeks of jingoistic patriotism. But what about Valentine’s Day?

It’s a tricky one, especially considering its placement in February. We want to be good allies to people of color and will need to check with one of them to see whether our wokeness will be diminished by taking a day off from celebrating Black History Month. So, in order to help me – and perhaps some allies out there – decide, I’ve drawn up a list of the biggest symbols of Valentine’s Day and how neatly each fits the goals of social justice.

Hope it helps!


  1. Hearts

The universal symbol for love fits in well enough with our adherence to “diversity,” “inclusiveness,” and “equality.” It is also patriarchal code for rape culture.

Any self-respecting feminist will avoid pink. The capitalist patriarchy prefers pink to condition women to stay docile and meek. White is clearly the color of oppression. Really, empowered feminists would do best to choose red, the color of menstrual blood, communism, and the Republican Party — actually, best just to avoid hearts altogether.


  1. Chocolates

Next to Halloween and Thanksgiving, Valentine’s Day is probably the most dreaded holiday for geometrically-challenged individuals. While those with geometric privilege guilelessly consume food from strangers or family during the former two celebrations, scoring candy on Valentine’s Day typically requires a boyfriend or a girlfriend who identifies as a boyfriend.

Feminist theory suggests that brown and black-colored chocolates are tokens of white patriarchy with which cis-men seduce womyn into legalized bondage — “marriage” — chuckling as they obliviously imitate the merciless mastication of African culture.


  1. Doves

One of the most ancient patriarchal conspiracies is also one of the most insidious. Heteronormative men worldwide have conspired to conflate the stark white dove with the motif of peace. Nothing could be further from the truth. Whiteness and all of its embodiments are, by nature, emblems of oppression, colonialism, and when you cut to the chase, evil.

Also, you likely won’t find any solace in examining the dove’s usage in world religions; while Christianity, Judaism, and Paganism all use the bird, it is strangely absent from the religion of peace.


  1. Cards

But the number of lives lost to one particular festivity comprises perhaps the most compelling reason why you shouldn’t recognize Valentine’s Day. No, we’re not speaking of the number of fetuses terminated after careless lovemaking. Much more importantly, February 14th claims the lives of over a hundred-thousand trees annually.

Roughly 150 million cards are swapped each year on Valentine’s Day. Six sheets of paper typically comprise one of these cards and one tree yields 8,333.3 sheets of paper. This means that mankind slaughters approximately 108,000 trees per year for this “celebration.” #GreenLivesMatter, anyone?

So, should you, as an upstanding citizen, observe Valentine’s Day? Well thankfully, with Adolf Trump only recently assuming power, you still have the liberty to make the decision for yourself.

But if you want to make the socially responsible choice, so you can lord it over your less liberal friends with some holier-than-thou tweets, you’ll abstain.

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