Look, I keep telling you people: Animals are not your friends. They’re not like your stuffed toys and cuddly cartoon characters. They want to hurt you. They want to kill you. They want to kill your children.
Officials at the Audubon Zoo in New Orleans say they are investigating after a gorilla named “Praline” hurled a block of wood at spectators Sunday afternoon, striking a pregnant woman in the head as she attempted to flee.
“Everybody started scattering, like running, so I tried to cover my face, then as I was turning around, the thing just hit my head,” 34-year-old Sylvia Cressy told CBS affiliate WWL. “The stick, the wood put a lump on my head.”
Cressy is six months pregnant. Praline doesn’t sound very sweet at all. It’s a monster and must be destroyed.
Even worse, that block of wood is something zookeepers call an “enrichment tool,” filled with honey and raisins that these filthy animals don’t deserve. We feed them, care for them, and this is how they return our kindness? They use our gifts as weapons against us?
I hope Ms. Cressy and her baby are okay. And I wish the Audubon Zoo had done what the Cincinnati Zoo did to Harambe last year. You’re an animal and you raise a paw to a human? You go down. One strike and you’re out. It’s the only way to be sure.
(Hat tip: Neontaster)