After a cliffhanger first episode of a two-night special of ABC’s “The Bachelorette,” Tuesday turned violent. The show was full of sadness, blood, lots of crying and profanity.
And men crying is almost never sexy.
Kenny vs. Lee finale
It opened with Rachel Lindsay sitting on a thick tree branch staring off into the distance while Kenny whirled into a state of hysteria, firing a record-breaking number of bleeps in one sentence at archnemesis Lee. Kenny basically told Lee that he hopes he eats *bleep* and dies and when he does he’s gonna drag his *bleep* across his grave. I think you can use your imagination to fill in the blanks.
When Rachel returns from her treehouse, the guys pretend that Kenny didn’t just tell Lee to “eat shit and die,” and listen to Rachel as she observantly states that clearly the men have two different stories.
Long story short, Rachel tells Lee she can’t trust him so she and Kenny are gonna take the helicopter and leave Lee to fend for himself in the Norwegian woods. But Kenny can’t let the whole thing go without running back to Lee to give him a quick pep-talk about how he really hopes he can find himself one day. Does Kenny think he’s freaking Oprah?
At this point I’m literally screaming at my TV, “Rachel take the helicopter and leave both these idiots behind oh my God!”
Kenny eventually explains to Rachel that the reason he had to run back to Lee is because he’s a verbal person and needs to express himself with words. Let me break that down. Kenny, the wrestler, uses words to express his emotions. Isn’t the whole point of being a professional wrestler is that you express yourself physically? Kenny might be the most conflicted wrestler in U.S. history. He can’t stop wondering why he’s not getting any of the one-on-one dates.
Dude, we’re sick of your two-on-one ass.
Nonetheless, you can’t help but feel bad for the dad who really just wants to find love. So Rachel throws him a bone and gives him the rose. Per usual, Kenny facetimes his daughter after the date and sobs while she’s like stop crying daddy so you can see the whiskers I drew on my face. C’mon Kenny, pull it together.
Rachel pours ice water on the men, saying, “To those I have to say goodbye to, I’m so sorry, but I honestly don’t see you as my husband.”
The rose ceremony that night was pretty boring minus Josiah basically comparing himself to an onion with all the complex layers of his personality. “I can’t wait until she gets to see every layer of me,” he said. He continues his perpetual delusion that he’ll be the last man standing. “If she doesn’t give me a rose, there is something wrong with her brain.” Thankfully Rachel sees the only layer of Josiah that matters, his arrogance, and sends him packing. “Woman, you have some poor judgment,” he says. I truly think Josiah has never been more shocked in his entire life.
Oh, and Rachel also sends home Anthony, whoever that is.
The show can’t go more than 15 minutes without a race reference so when two black guys were sent home it was only appropriate that it had to be called out. Why do they need to specify the skin color of who goes home? Beats me.
Clearly Rachel loved being numb to the bones in Norway so she decides why not continue the torture and head to Denmark? All the guys pretend to be thrilled while secretly thinking what the hell happened to the free trips to Bali and the Caribbean? Hey, ABC, don’t you know the only thing the guys care about is seeing Rachel in a bathing suit?
Eric’s steamy one-on-one
Spastic charmer Eric meets Rachel for the first one-on-one in Denmark. Despite his overly enthusiastic singing and dance moves, Eric is actually pretty cute toward Rachel and the two seem to have good chemistry and similar interests. Most importantly: he makes her laugh.
“We vibing,” he said. “It just feels effortless.”
Rachel tells him she just likes to hang out at the bar, to which Eric agrees that all he needs in life is the simple things. So from what I gather, Rachel and Eric just need alcohol to be happy.
The highlight of the date is when a Danish man with a thick beard is just chilling in a hot tub when he abruptly stands up to reveal his fully naked body in broad daylight. Note to self: NEVER go in the hot tubs in Denmark. Is there even a word for hygiene in Danish?
Eric pulled heartstrings when he told Rachel he’d had a tough upbringing and had never been loved.
All in all, A+ date for Eric who deservedly got the rose.
How to be a viking 101 group date
The next day Rachel treats the guys to a group date of full on manual labor. I don’t even know how someone can pretend to be thrilled that they get to row a boat for a date, but clearly Rachel has some weird viking fantasy she wants to live out so the guys suck it up and smile.
To complete her fantasy, Rachel makes the guys wear viking clothes and play a series of games, which the guys got way too into. During one of the fake duels, Adam literally throws his malfunctioning plastic sword to the ground in what might have been the most heroic moment of his life. Too bad he lost both his dignity and the fight. Kenny came out victorious and now he probably lists Viking Champion on his resume. Outcome: They both wound up with bloody faces.
Just when you think Kenny has finally redeemed himself, he sinks back into his hole of misery and tells Rachel he doesn’t know if he can continue this because of how much he misses his daughter. In what was actually a very real and candid conversation, he and Rachel agree he should go home.
Are you kidding me? After all of the Lee drama, Kenny literally sends himself home like three days later. As annoyed as I am though, I can’t help but be happy that finally this deeply troubled man is gone. Peter ends up getting up the group date rose — probably because Rachel felt badly for not giving it to him last time after sucking face with him in a hot tub.
Will’s one-on-one with Swedish architecture
Then there’s the one-on-one with Will, who is nervous going into the date because he doesn’t usually date girls of a black “outside exterior.” First of all, just say black skin. It’s 2017. Second of all, Will, you are black.
The pairs visits Sweden for the day. For the entire date, Rachel is just trying to get Will to show some romantic interest, but he’s too busy admiring houses and the port to acknowledge his date. At one point he was literally overlooking the entire city with Rachel, but instead of making a move he continued to fawn over the architecture.
To make things worse, when they are at dinner, Rachel asks Will what he finds attractive and he straight up goes, I usually date white girls. Are you kidding? Will, you’re sitting in front of a black girl. What are thinking?
Needless to say, Will does not get the rose.
The episode ends with an overly dramatic rose ceremony where Rachel needs to take a moment for herself to cry because she doesn’t want to show her emotions. Meanwhile, if a guy isn’t open enough with her she’s just like peace out. When Rachel collects herself, she returns back to the ceremony and sends Alex, who in my opinion is one of the few attractive guys, home.
And with that, the two-night premiere concludes. Luckily, the next episode is not until July 10 so we have some time to digest all the nonsense and stock up on wine for what looks like is going to be an emotional next episode.