Chinese Recruits Are Too Fat And Masturbate Too Much, Complains State Media

David Krayden Ottawa Bureau Chief
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Chinese state media is bemoaning the state of their government’s army recruits, who are increasingly too fat and obsessed with masturbation to make the military grade. The U.K.’s Evening Standard reports that fewer would-be soldiers can pass the physical.

So many Chinese recruits are being sent back that China fears it is losing the combat edge to its massive army, the confirms.

The reason: according to the People’s Liberation Army Daily, younger Chinese citizens are not eating properly, getting fat and excessively masturbating. It all combines to alleged create out-sized testicular veins, though some government officials also point to chronic smartphone use and drinking water with too many minerals as a probable cause of the fitness crisis.

Whatever the cause, more potential recruits are failing than passing, with results in one unnamed Chinese city indicating that 56.9 percent of candidates couldn’t pass, while 20 percent were just plain obese.

As for the masturbation epidemic, China says eight percent of army recruits suffered from bloated testicular veins, an affliction that is due to “sitting too long on computer games, excessive masturbation and too little physical activity,” according to the state report.

China’s recruitment process has strict rules and procedures,” the Defense Ministry office said. “The quality of our recruits is guaranteed, and the headwaters of our military will flow long and strong.”

Vision tests yielded poor results too: with 46 percent falling short of the standard, allegedly as a result of staring at digital screens too much.

Junk food and soft drinks were also cited for their destructive tendencies among Chinese youth, leading to liver and gallbladder disease.

The Chinese defense ministry says it will overcome the crisis. “China’s recruitment process has strict rules and procedures. The quality of our recruits is guaranteed, and the headwaters of our military will flow long and strong.”

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