The FDA recently issued a very urgent statement on candy overdoses.
Since today is Halloween and the biggest candy eating day of the year, the Food and Drug Administration is worried sick about Americans eating too much licorice.
That’s right. It’s the one day of the year that you’re surrounded by more candy than you know what to do with, and the FDA is worried you’re going to get carried away with licorice.
If you’re 40 or older, eating 2 ounces of black licorice a day for at least two weeks could land you in the hospital with an irregular heart rhythm or arrhythmia.
FDA experts say black licorice contains the compound glycyrrhizin, which is the sweetening compound derived from licorice root. Glycyrrhizin can cause potassium levels in the body to fall. When that happens, some people experience abnormal heart rhythms, as well as high blood pressure, edema (swelling), lethargy, and congestive heart failure.
What maniac goes home after a hearty night of trick or treating, dumps out his/her candy bag, and puts all the Reese’s, Butterfingers, Almond Joys, and Twix to the side only to binge on licorice?
People might think I’m joking about this. I’m not. Never since the invention of the printing press has anybody actually enjoyed licorice. Not even the red kind. Twizzlers are even worse. Don’t even try to tell me you like Twizzlers. If you like Twizzlers you belong in the maniac category, right next to that guy with grey stained teeth binging on licorice on Halloween night.
And when licorice was supposedly popular, like back in the Medieval times, did anybody really like it? Or did they just pretend to? Was it just marginally better than all that room temperature beer and porridge that everyone ate? Probably. If I had the occasional choice between licorice and blood pudding, I’d probably be jazzed about licorice too.
Well guess what? It’s 2017. We don’t have to pick a gender. We don’t have to accept the results of a national election. And we certainly don’t have to stand for licorice anymore.
If there are any miserable, poor fellows out there stuck in 1310 toiling away on their lord’s feudal land, somebody find them and rip the licorice clean out of their blistered peasant hands. Nobody should have to pretend to like this awful candy anymore.