Hymns Are Sexist – Fight The Patriarchy With Hyrrs

(Photo credit: screenshot/YouTube Hyrrs)

Jena Greene Reporter
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Are you tired of being festive? Can’t stand singing those cheerful holiday songs? Does the Christmas spirit just seem outdated and offensive to you?

Well, you’re in luck. Because ad agency Grey London has teamed up with Goldstein Music and Refuge Women’s Charity to bring you Hyrrs, the woke alternative to Christmas hymns.

Hyrrs are intended to raise funds and awareness for “women in need,” although it’s not immediately clear who the women are or what they need. Judging by some of these PG-13 lyrics, however, they might just need a bar of soap in the mouth.

Take “Kick The Balls,” for example. It’s an updated version of “Deck The Halls” and is sure to elicit tons of questions about social mores from young aspiring carolers.

According to Fast Company, Hyrrs are intended to start a “conversation around sexual harassment and allegations against men of profiles high and low.” While I’m pretty sure the creators of Hyrrs are wholly unaware, kicking a man in anywhere – particularly in the balls – might still be considered predatory sexual harassment.

“Oh Sexism,” set to the tune of “Oh Christmas Tree,” goes beyond physical violence and instead discusses gender pay gaps, being required to “look pretty despite the freaking PhD,” and making “old ladies feel like crap.”

And in case you haven’t heard enough about gender pay gaps set to once-hallowed hymns, there’s “Equal Salary.”

Besides, why would you listen to the old, played out version of “Silent Night” when you can fight the power with “Stereotypes?”

And finally, what’s Christmas without a little discussion of female sexuality? “Female Sexual Pleasure” is Hyrrs’ answer to “In The Bleak Midwinter.” Because if you’re not having a conversation about “men who bang” and women who “love to bone” over the family turkey, are you even doing Christmas 2017 right?