Ladies and gentlemen, a grave travesty has been carried out against me.
I was not listed in Sports Business Journal’s list of top media personalities. I was nowhere to be found in the top 25. Tears are currently streaming down my face as I’m forced to re-evaluate my entire life.
Seriously, what the hell is happening? Everybody knows that in 2018, your life is only measured by accomplishments on social media. Having a ton of money in the bank, a great family, donating to charities or volunteering for others doesn’t mean a damn thing. Either some Z-list celebrity retweets you or you’re a clown.
Would you rather have a check for a million dollars or have somebody who occasionally appears on cable television like one of your tweets? Well, you’re an idiot of epic proportions if you chose the first option.
Why have real money when you can have the monopoly money and the fulfillment of Twitter, Facebook and Instagram? (The Smoke Room’s State Of The Union: It’s Officially Been Three Years Since I Began This Journey)
What will I do with my life now? I spend years cultivating my following, building my brand, trying to own all the critics and haters — who are countless — and yet, I didn’t even make the coveted SBJ list.
I can hear my mentors off in the distance reminding me that I have become a failure. Sure, I’ll probably end up being married to an absolute smoke show someday, but will it even matter if I don’t have a ton of Twitter followers?
Will my future sons’ Super Bowl rings be remembered if that guy who once appeared on CNN doesn’t retweet me at four in the morning? They obviously won’t.
What a dark and sad day. I just pissed away years of my life chasing a dream I didn’t accomplish.
I guess, the only option is to keep grinding it out tomorrow. Keep pouring more and more of my worth into social media, trying to impress people I’ll likely never meet in real life and trying to pick as many pointless fights as I can. Remember kids, you can have $50 million in the bank and it means nothing if you don’t have enough Twitter engagement.
Now, I must go into the darkness and do a little soul searching. What an awful turn of events.