The Babylon Bee Reveals All The Ways You’re A Secret Racist In New Guide To Wokeness

Credit: Salem Books

The Babylon Bee Contributor
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Editor’s note: What follows is an excerpt from the Babylon Bee’s new book “The Babylon Bee Guide To Wokeness.” It can be purchased here.

RACE IS A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT created by white people to excuse their oppression of black and brown bodies. It’s also the most important thing about you.

In short, race is nothing, yet it is everything. Don’t try to make sense of it. Do you have a Ph.D.? Have you published peer-reviewed papers? Didn’t think so. So sit down and learn something!

The reason race is so important is because everything in life can be explained by power imbalances between oppressors and the oppressed. Some people think life is infinitely more complicated and that humans are actually embodied souls with a will and moral conscience who can make right or wrong choices, but that’s dumb—because we said so and we went to college.

We prefer instead to look at human beings as meaningless clumps of cells whose every interaction can be easily explained by a very simple materialistic theory that helps us get a ton of scholarly papers published. And if you don’t agree with all our conclusions, you’re a racist!

One of the most important keys to being woke is to think about race at all times. Every time you meet someone, you should be thinking primarily of their skin color, because it’s their single most defining characteristic. It affects all their experiences, thoughts, and beliefs. Most importantly, a person’s skin color will tell you whether they are an oppressor or one of the oppressed. You can know pretty much all the most important things about a person by simply looking at their skin color.

Credit: Salem Books

Credit: Salem Books

Are You A Secret Racist?

You may think you’re not a racist. You may think you’re one of the good people because you treat everyone equally.

Think again! Racism is bad, but you know what’s worse than racism? Secret racism. Many of us who go about our lives thinking we don’t hate people for their race are actually secret racists. The racism is just below the surface, simmering like a delicious beef stew in a Crockpot. The kind of stew your mom leaves on for twelve hours and you can smell it simmering throughout the house all day, making your mouth water as you think about dinnertime.

Except the stench wafting through your life isn’t beef, carrots, and potatoes: it’s right-wing hatred.

Credit: Salem Books

Credit: Salem Books