The Babylon Bee Breaks Down Critical Race Theory And The Evils Of Whiteness In Handy New Guide For The Woke

Credit: Salem Books

The Babylon Bee Contributor
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Editor’s note: What follows is an excerpt from the Babylon Bee’s new book “The Babylon Bee Guide To Wokeness.” It can be purchased here.

Defining Whiteness

Whiteness is best understood as “everything bad and evil in the world that we don’t like.” Some ancient religions have referred to this as “original sin,” but that phrase is problematic since it implies that people of all colors, genders, and orientations can be guilty of doing bad things. This is a deeply harmful idea. Oppressed people cannot do bad things. Anything “bad” done by an oppressed person is simply the natural result of their being oppressed. That’s why the fault must always lie with the oppressor—and for that reason, the term “whiteness” is a better word to use when describing evil.

Credit: Salem Books

Credit: Salem Books

Critical Race Theory

Many white people have opposed the teaching of Critical Race Theory at schools and workplaces. This, of course, is because they are dumb. And racist.

Critical Race Theory is a very robust field of study for very smart college-educated people. It is so smart and so robust, in fact, that normal people such as yourself can’t understand it. We will do our best to simplify it for you here.

A long time ago, there was the Dark Ages. And then a brilliant man named Karl Marx was born. Before Marx, everyone was like—“Why all the problems? Why bad things happen? Why things not get fixed?” Then, Marx discovered that all of human history can be explained as a struggle between two social classes: the bourgeoisie (rich oppressor) and the proletariat (poor and oppressed).

Marx wrote all this up in a brilliant work called The Communist Manifesto, which solved so many problems. In fact—it solved over one hundred million “problems” in the twentieth century alone! Great job, Marx!

Basically, we just took out the long, complicated words “bourgeoisie” and “proletariat” and replaced them with “white people” and “people of color.”

Yeah—that’s pretty much it. Everything else is mostly unchanged, except we added special bonus “oppression multipliers” people of color can use, such as gender identity and sexual orientation. These multipliers will provide the user with special bonus oppression for even more oppression power!

Credit: Salem Books

Credit: Salem Books

Make Everything About Race

As we wrap up our discussion on race here, it’s important to remember that the discussion on race doesn’t ever really end, just like Goosebumps sequels, a Dragon Ball Z character, or Fast & Furious movies. Everything in your life MUST be about race. It must consume everything you do. It must be everything you talk about, everything you think about, everything you breathe, everything you sleep, everything you eat, everything you digest, everything you defecate.

Well, maybe not defecate. But you get the idea: the only way we can truly stop racism is by focusing on race in everything.

This short chapter is just the beginning of your journey to make your entire life revolve around race.

Only then can you stop the racists.