HART: Classified Documents Here, There, Everywhere!

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Ron Hart Ron Hart is a libertarian humorist and author who can be reached at Ron@RonaldHart.com.
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My gun collection has grown large. With my sixth grandkid on the way, I wanted to buy another safe to lock away weapons and valuables. Then, when Joe Biden said we need not worry about the security of his classified documents, it occurred to me: I have a perfectly good two-car garage, too. Thanks for the security tip, Joe!

When asked by a reporter who inadvertently practiced vigilant journalism about his cache of classified documents, Joe Biden said, “There is no there there.” This was a prickish, Democrat politician way to say, “Do not cover this story; I am totally guilty.”  It turns out documents were there, there, there and just about everywhere.

Mike Pence just upped the ante on the classified documents gambit. He said he also had such top-secret documents in his home. This prompted our ever-vigilant federal government to ask all ex-presidents, “Hey guys, any of you cats have any of dem classified documents?” We will see what Obama and Dubya say, but Jimmy Carter responded that he had only stolen classified documents in his heart.

This prompted a search of all presidents for government secrets. We learned that Honest Abe was not so honest, and George Washington didn’t really chop down that cherry tree.  He just told that story to make himself look like he could not tell a lie. 

The FBI will not raid Mount Vernon because George Washington wore a powdered wig and frilly pedal pusher pants and might have been some sort of early LGBTQ or something. But they will raid Abe Lincoln’s log cabin because he was a confirmed Republican. 

It seems that the only document that is truly secret and safe in Washington D.C. is Jeffrey Epstein’s Pedophile Island guest list. 

Our federal government has become a hodgepodge of agencies that do little to help Americans day-to-day. The agencies’ main interest is keeping their agencies funded and their folks employed. To do so, they have to pretend they are doing important work they cannot tell us about. They conjure up things to make us afraid so we will keep paying them to protect us from such made-up threats.

People at these agencies want to be in a position when they leave government to lobby or traffic in assumed knowledge in order to get special interest access to their former agencies. 

There is no longer any accountability in Washington. Government grows, taxes grow, and our national debt grows ($32 trillion). No one is willing to take on the Deep State that strikes fear in most of us. That is how they intimidate those who would cut their budget. 

Quick: When was the last time a government agency did anything meaningful or helpful? Also, how many of you would like to have all our money back from our government’s War on Poverty, War on Drugs and War on Terror? I would. 

In fact, when you combine the War on Drugs and the Endangered Species Act, you get the situation that happened last year. A bale of cocaine washed up on the California shore. What do you want to bet that the Pacific sea turtles wished they had those banned plastic straws back? 

Let’s face it, these government “wars on … whatever” do not work. But D.C. keeps going, offering a $6 million reward for the leader of a Mexican drug cartel. You know the difference between our federal government and a Mexican cartel? The cartel does not demand that you take its drugs. 

It has become comical: The FBI, IRS and the like do not even respond to subpoenas from Congress unless they want to. Isn’t Congress supposed to have oversight? 

This whole classified documents hunt began when the Deep State Wile E. Coyotes were trying to get their Road Runner, Donald Trump. Trump said he declassified the few classified documents he had. He said he could just declassify documents with his mind, the same way he can use his mind to defrost a freezer if he wants to. 

Most telling is the way the Deep State handled this. Thirty armed federal agents raided Trump’s home in the pre-dawn. They then found out others have documents and let those people walk through their places with their lawyers like they are having tea. The goons in government are biased. For us voters, it does not seem to matter anyway. We no longer determine who is president; the DOJ and FBI do. 

A libertarian op-ed humorist and award-winning author, Ron does commentary on radio and TV. He can be contacted at Ron@RonaldHart.com or @RonaldHart on Twitter.

The views and opinions expressed in this commentary are those of the author and do not reflect the official position of the Daily Caller.