Viagra finally has some stiff competition that will save American men from a devastating fertility crisis.
Daily Caller co-founder Tucker Carlson rocked the medical establishment Tuesday when he revealed that Zyn, the sublime, smokeless nicotine pouches keeping elite U.S. youth steadily buzzed, can cure *cough* ED, and even enhance male sexual performance.
WATCH THE ILLUMINATING (AND HILARIOUS) CLIP BELOW:
Tucker Carlson and Theo Vonn talking Zyn boners pic.twitter.com/mNHYbLRKeB
— Dylan Housman (@Dylan_Housman) October 31, 2023
This columnist enjoys the occasional cigarette, especially on the fairway after 13+ libations, or when trying to impress the sorority girls at the darty who are used to beta vapers with fruity breath. But sometimes what’s needed to get the juices flowing is a Zyn pouch straight to the Upper Decky — and that’s precisely what happens under the belt when you have a 3mg Wintergreen Zyn Laden cooking upstairs. (RELATED: NFL Head Coach Shows Why Vaping Is For Losers)
I’ve tried it with Mrs. Delacroix, and I must say that I fully stand by Carlson’s scientific findings, despite my lack of scientific credentials. When you pop a citrus Carlzyn, you are relaxed and confident. “180 yards to the pin? I’m going with a firm 9.” You are forward, but charismatic. “Hiiiii dear open your cloth.” When you spit out your 6mg Spearmint before she buzzes you up at her place, you are harder than Brock Landers in “Angels Live In My Town.”
Limp-d*ck politicians, think tank ****s and p*ssified pundits have been hatching absurd plans recently to address the West’s fertility crisis, particularly among white, college-educated, middle-class men. Tax credits for bigger families. The Hungarian-style “Illiberal democracy.” Sloot shaming. Banning birth control. Subscribing to the Daily Wire‘s pay-walled content.
Poppycock! There are three simple options to escape this quagmire. Either get rich. Convert to Catholicism, work construction, and date a crazy Latina who’ll poke holes in your condoms. Or start popping Zynchinos.
Just as Bruce Wayne becomes more than a man when he dons the cape and cowl, so too American 20-somethings when they pry open their first Zyn tin and slot one up top before cold-approaching the Alpha Phi.
It’s time to gird your loins, singe your gums, and get to work.
