Satire

New Primate Species Springs Up Overnight … We’re Unsure If They’re Hilarious Or A Terrifying Sign Of What’s To Come

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Screenshot/Twitter/EndWokeness/TikTok/This.Is.Our.Planet

Screenshot/Twitter/EndWokeness/TikTok/This.Is.Our.Planet

Kay Smythe News and Commentary Writer
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A new species of primate emerged from the concrete jungles of North America in early February, and we’re not entirely sure what their purpose is.

You may have seen one of these lesser-known creatures in one of the many viral videos currently circulating online. They appear somewhat human-like in their physical abilities, but their movements are unlike anything seen in nature until now.

Their heads often move slowly in odd directions as their hands gesticulate erratically, which biologists believe is due to their vision. Unlike normal Homo sapiens, this off-shoot doesn’t share our reality. And is instead dwelling in a dimension known as “Apple Vision Pro.”

A number of these creatures have been captured while performing similar tasks to humans, such as driving electric vehicles. Though the risk to both themselves and all other lifeforms during these practices is extremely high, these new primates do it anyway. Why?

Sociologists and anthropologists hypothesize that, because of the wealth bracket assumed by this species, their risk-to-reward reflexes are significantly higher than ours. Most of the members of this predominantly male species have at least $4,000 more than the average human, a number equal to the value of their vision (at the time of writing).

If you see one of these animals in the wild, please be cautious. The brains of these beasts are specially developed to lack self-awareness, particularly in regards to how stupid they look. (RELATED: America’s Mental Health Crisis Is So Bad That Millions Of People Are Venting To Elmo’s Twitter Account)

Most reports project human civilization is one step close to dystopia thanks to the discovery of this new species. But most experts hope to shame these creatures out of existence before they overwhelm the population, and we’re doomed forever.