op-ed

Captain Fantastic’s fantastical claim

Robert Laurie Freelance Writer
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The past five days were big ones for news that mattered. Our TVs were clogged with rumors about Howard Stern joining American Idol, Tiger’s apology, Olympic Hockey, and roughly 47 hours of Barack Obama speeches—all of which were essentially the same. In the midst of this was a story of jaw-dropping importance that I suspect most major news outlets were simply afraid to run. After all, it has the potential to shake the faith of millions of devout Christians and may just expose a cover-up that could bring the Catholic Church to its knees. I speak, of course, about the shocking revelation that Jesus Christ was gay.

In case you missed it, Great Britain’s foremost theologian, the openly gay Sir Elton John, dropped the bombshell in a recent Parade Magazine interview. According to the Queen of Pop, Jesus was “a compassionate, super intelligent gay man who understood human problems.” No one has been able to discern where, exactly, John got this information but one thing is clear: Jesus spent a whopping 2,000 years in the closet, only to be forcibly outed by a rock star that became famous for prancing around the stage in a Donald Duck costume.

John himself took almost as long to come out. In the ’60s, he dated women, and was almost married. In the ’70s, he made waves when he described himself as bisexual in a Rolling Stone interview. In the ’80s he married a woman, did a tremendous amount of drugs, and then went back to Rolling Stone to announce he was gay. Given that it was always considered classless and politically incorrect to out celebrities (alive or dead) against their will, John was given the space and time to make the journey himself.

It seems, however, he had no such qualms about outing Christ. No surprise, since the singer has previously declared that organized religion should be banned, since it “promotes the hatred and spite against gays” by turning people into “hateful lemmings.” Perhaps Elton thinks that, by giving the world a gay Christ, he’ll free us from the shackles of our own stupidity and superstition. Whatever his motives, one thing is clear: the Paul Lynding of Jesus smacks of idiocy and hypocrisy.

In the end, by slapping a sexual label on Jesus and using him for his own ends, Elton John has completely missed the point of everything for which Jesus stood—and he’s done so in the crassest way possible. If you really believe in Christ’s teachings (as Elton claims to) you’d understand that the love he exhibited was much bigger than a pedestrian straight-or-gay argument. It was for everyone, for all of time, without reservation—from the worst sinner, to the most pious saint. Elton, for all of his lofty platitudes about love, is incapable of grasping that. In viewing Jesus as some simple sexual being, he’s ignoring the very teachings he claims to hold so dearly.

Maybe someday he’ll understand that.

In the meantime, Dan Brown is going to have to recall about 80 million copies of the “Da Vinci Code.” In light of John’s proclamation, Brown’s theory that Jesus fathered a child with Mary Magdalene seems unlikely. Maybe Elton could share some more of his “Wisdom,” and turn the book into a feel-good story of ancient gay adoption. At least that would better fit the singer’s one-dimensional view of the Almighty.

Robert Laurie writes a daily political commentary blog, The Robalution. Robert holds a degree in English from Wayne State University, and has worked in advertising as a graphic designer and copy writer.