DC Trawler

TheDC Morning: Secret Service’s finest hour

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1.) Waivergate isn’t going away — Don’t like Obamacare? Want your company to get a waiver from it, but they won’t give you one because you don’t have the right connections? Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with Barack. TheDC’s Matthew Boyle reports: “Amidst the news that 38 of the 204 Obamacare waivers approved in April went to posh entertainment venues in House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi’s district, new questions about the Obama administration’s transparency pledge have arisen. Although the administration has approved more than 1,300 Obamacare waivers and published the recipients’ application information online, it has not made public which companies and other entities have been denied waivers and why they were denied. Obama’s Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) won’t release that information, nor will they publicly release the identities of those still waiting for a decision. HHS won’t even say how many applications are in the queue.” This is the most transparent administration in U.S. history, and everybody knows that when something’s transparent, you can’t even see it. Duh.

2.) Esquire magazine unable to produce mirth certificate
— When was the last time you read something in Esquire that made you laugh? Perhaps that question is four words too long. Well, get that needle and thread ready, ’cause this one’ll have you in stitches. TheDC’s Chris Moody writes: “An article on Esquire magazine’s website, claiming that the publisher of Jerome Corsi’s new book about President Obama’s birth certificate is pulling it from bookstores, may have been written as a parody, but not everyone is laughing. The Esquire story, written by Mark Warren, spread across the Internet moments after being posted on the magazine’s website Wednesday morning. Esquire has said it was a joke and Warren told TheDC he has no regrets about posting it. ‘He is an execrable piece of [bad word that means poop],’ Warren said of Corsi.” What’s all the fuss about? Here’s the lede to Warren’s hilarious satirical parody humor comedy writing that is funny: “In a stunning development one day after the release of Where’s the Birth Certificate? The Case that Barack Obama is not Eligible to be President, by Dr. Jerome Corsi, World Net Daily Editor and Chief Executive Officer Joseph Farah has announced plans to recall and pulp the entire 200,000 first printing run of the book, as well as announcing an offer to refund the purchase price to anyone who has already bought either a hard copy or electronic download of the book.” See, because of the birth certificate. And because you should be as angry about it as Mark Warren is. Get it?

3.) Racism alleged, again — Lefties like to talk about “dog whistle phrases,” which is weird because they’re the only ones who can hear them. Now the alleged whistlers are whistling back or something. TheDC’s Jeff Poor writes: “When NBC ‘Meet the Press’ host David Gregory asked former House Speaker Newt Gingrich whether he infused racism into a recent speech by referring to President Barack Obama as ‘the most successful food stamp president in American history,’ Gregory raised a line of attack that had only previously been used by MSNBC and other left-leaning outlets, much to the chagrin of many conservative critics. And one of those critics was former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin. On Fox News Channel’s ‘Hannity’ on Wednesday, Palin offered her views on Gregory’s question. Her assessment: Gregory is the one displaying racism. ‘Well, talk about racism – that was a racist-tinged question from David Gregory,’ Palin declared. ‘He made it sound like that if you’re black you’re on food stamps and the president is referring to you being on food stamps. I think that’s racist.'” Unfortunately for Palin, saying that an accusation of racism is racist is racist, because racists are racists, and you’re a racist, and everybody’s a racist, racist racist racist racist racist.

4.) John Edwards now competing with Schwarzenegger for Worst Babydaddy Ever — John Edwards — remember him? — is angry at Rielle Hunter for causing his genitals to do things that made his career go away. The Daily Mail reports: “Furious John Edwards has allegedly vented his anger at mistress Rielle Hunter over the steamy sex video they made during his White House run. In an amazing outburst, the shamed politician reportedly exploded after a judge ruled portions of his testimony under oath would be made public. An insider said: ‘John took his anger and frustrations out on Rielle. He screamed at Rielle, calling her an idiot for not destroying the tape, and yelling that she made a fool of him for talking him into making it.'” None of this is his fault, because shut up. One thing’s for sure: When that tape gets out, it’ll have so many viewers, it’ll make Keyboard Cat look like Countdown with Keith Olbermann.

5.) Secret Service’s finest hour — Protecting the President of the United States is a difficult, stressful job, and sometimes you just gotta vent. Chris Moody: “The Secret Service joined Twitter only a few weeks ago, but after an accidental post complaining about having to watch the Fox News cable channel, it’s clear that the agency is still getting the hang of social media. ‘Had to monitor Fox for a story. Can’t. Deal. With. The. Blathering.,’ the U.S. Secret Service’s official feed read on Wednesday. It was promptly deleted. The agency’s Office of Government and Public Affairs is responsible for the feed, and the misfired tweet was posted by an employee’s iPad who thought it would go on a personal account, the agency said, calling it an ‘unapproved and inappropriate tweet.'” This raises some interesting questions. Why does the Secret Service need a Twitter account? Why are they monitoring Fox News “for a story”? And how embarrassing is it to hire somebody who expresses frustration and contempt by making each word its own sentence, in the manner of a junior-high girl texting about a rival’s new jeggings?

6.) Meghan McCain reveals unparalleled gift for metaphor — Earlier this week, Rick Santorum disagreed with John McCain about how enhanced interrogation works. Fortunately for McCain, his daughter Meghan is really smart and writes words good. As TheDC’s Laura Donovan reports, Meghan shot back on Twitter: “Rick Santorum telling my father [he] doesn’t know about torture is like Carrot Top telling Lebron James he doesn’t know about basketball.” Or like telling Meghan McCain she doesn’t know how to put famous people’s names in a sentence at random. It might tell you something about Meghan that after writing this, her main concern was to clarify that she meant no offense to Carrot Top. Expanding on her bon mot, she then added: “Rick Santorum lecturing my father about torture is like JWOWW lecturing Malcom Gladwell about writing.” Look, you guys, leave her alone. The only way she’ll ever get any better at this is by practicing.

VIDEO: Until the John Edwards/Rielle Hunter tape leaks, here’s something slightly less ridiculous and humiliating

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