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Dear Matt, There have been rumors in certain circles that Obama is the Antichrist. How do you feel about this? – Jayden C.
Hurt and confused. Because in 2008, everybody told me he was just plain ol’ Christ. Glad I didn’t accept him as my personal Lord and Savior, as will.i.am did, or I’d feel kind of ridiculous right about now.
But since I am a Serious Journalist, I’m professionally obligated to treat this question with the solemnity it deserves. And modesty aside, I’m uniquely equipped to do so. As someone who was reared Southern Baptist, I don’t automatically run screaming from the room when prophecy is mentioned — unlike godless liberal media types, who are afraid to even say “Antichrist,” probably because it has the word “Christ” in it. Nor do conservative media types have any interest in the discussion, since contemplating whether Obama is the Antichrist distracts from their primary concern — whether Obama is Satan proper.
I will admit that at first blush, the pro-Antichrist crowd has some compelling arguments. If you count how many letters are in Barack (6 letters) Hussein (7 letters) Obama’s (5 letters) name, they add up to 18. And how many times is 18 divisible by 3? Six times. I.E. — 666 — the Mark of the Beast. Likewise, who hasn’t heard the rumor that Obama slyly and subtly closed the National Prayer Breakfast with “in the name of the Son of Perdition, the Serpent of Old, the Angel of the Bottomless Pit we pray, amen.” (If WorldNetDaily hasn’t reported it yet, give them time. They will.)
But as an amateur biblical scholar, I don’t base verdicts on hearsay and numerology. I base them on cold hard prophecy. So now, Reverend Labash will ask you to open your Bibles to the Book of Revelation, King James Version, since I enjoy the music of its King Jamesiness. (Turn to the New International Version if you’d like. But I want my scripture to read like scripture. God should sound authoritative and official, not like an intern at InspiredWordofGodR’Us.com trading gossip over his cubicle divider.)
Specifically, let us examine the Beast Chapter — Revelation 13. Revelation 13:5 sayeth, “And there was given unto him a mouth speaking great things and blasphemies; and power was given to him to continue forty and two months.” The first half of that verse serves as exhibit A that Obama is, in fact, the Antichrist. Both Obama and his followers have always gone heavy on the blasphemy. The latter point out that Jesus, too, was a community organizer. And much as Jesus said if you love me, feed my sheep, the self-styled Messiah, Obama, tells his disciples if you love me, pass my jobs bill.
In the second half of the verse, “forty and two months” would sound suspiciously like six months short of a full presidential term. Though since by the end of Obama’s current term, he will have spent roughly six months on the golf course, let’s go ahead and count that as exhibit B.
Just three verses later, however, it says, “And all that dwell upon the earth shall worship him.” “All that dwell upon the earth” is a lot of people. A hell of a lot more (if you’ll forgive the religious imagery) than can be accounted for by toting up will.i.am, Scarlett Johansson and the rest of the Obamatons, which seem to be an ever-dwindling number. Since Obama’s approval rating has plunged to 41 percent (ranking only slightly higher than child rapists, al Qaida management, and members of Congress), he’s going to have to do much better if he wants to achieve the favorability numbers that being the Antichrist requires. You can’t fool all of the people all of the time, but if you’re going to achieve A New World Order/ultimate destruction, a convincing plurality doesn’t seem too much to ask.
So I regret to inform conspiracy theorists that Obama is not, in fact, Satan’s trainbearer. He’s just isn’t popular enough. Sorry to disappoint, crazies.
But in order to ameliorate that disappointment, I’m willing to finger my most likely candidate for Antichristdom — Yanni. Consider the evidence. He already has feathered Jesus hair, plus the Jesus ‘stache. His music has touched the souls of millions, and has a distinctly generic international flavor. Born in Kalamata, Greece, Yanni doesn’t just appeal to Americans, but to Europeans, who have notoriously suspect taste in music. And in another stunning “coincidence,” Dick Cheney, who many regard as Satan, just released his autobiography titled, “In My Time.” Anyone remember the name of Yanni’s 1993 CD featuring songs like “One Man’s Dream” and “Whispers in the Dark”? Of course you don’t. Because Yanni, with his mind control, doesn’t want you to remember. But you guessed it prophets and prophetesses. It’s “In My Time.”
This makes Yanni Suspect #1 on the Antichrist List. Sorry Yanni, you might’ve tricked New Age music fans the world over. But I’ve got your number, and it’s 6-6-6.
Matt Labash is a senior writer with the Weekly Standard magazine. His book, “Fly Fishing With Darth Vader: And Other Adventures with Evangelical Wrestlers, Political Hitmen, and Jewish Cowboys,” is now available in paperback from Simon and Schuster. Have a question for Matt Labash? Submit it here.