Two weeks ago, Jim Downey wrote the sketch below for “Saturday Night Live”. In it, Downey, who has worked on the show since 1976 and written many of SNL’s funniest and best informed political pieces, imagines why the New Jersey governor decided not to run for president. The sketch never aired, but it’s worth reading.
GOVERNOR CHRISTIE COLD OPEN ~ Bobby/Kristen V.O.
(OPEN ON: STILL FF: NEW JERSEY STATE SEAL)
KRISTEN (V.O.)(1/4”)
The following is a special address from New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.
(DISS. TO: BOBBY, AS CHRIS CHRISTIE IN NEW JERSEY GOVERNOR’S OFFICE. HE IS WEARING A FAT SUIT, SEATED IN A WING CHAIR [A LOOK SIMILAR TO THE BLOOMBERG PIECE FROM JIM CARREY SHOW])
BOBBY
Good evening. I’m Governor
Chris Christie of the state of
New Jersey.
(SUPER DEKO L/3: NEW JERSEY GOV. CHRIS CHRISTIE [REP])
BOBBY (CONTD)
Over the last several months,
you’ve probably heard a great deal
of speculation about whether or
not I would seek the Republican
nomination for President in 2012.
Although I have repeatedly stated,
in very clear language, that I did
not wish to be a candidate at this
time, supporters around the country
have still continued to urge me to
run. At first, their enthusiasm
was very flattering. But lately,
their unwillingness simply to
take “no” for an answer has really
started to piss me off. Tonight,
for the last time, I
hope to make it absolutely
clear, that I do not want
to run for President in 2012,
BOBBY (CONTD)
and that it would be a very
bad idea for Republicans to
make me their candidate.
Here are my reasons: First, I
do not particularly believe in
American exceptionalism.
(SUPER DEKO L/3: 1. I DO NOT PARTICULARLY BELIEVE IN AMERICAN EXCEPTIONALISM)
Now don’t get me wrong. I have
nothing against the United
States. It’s a perfectly fine
country. For one thing, it has
New Jersey, which, if it were a
separate country, would without
question be the greatest nation
in the history of mankind. But
taken as a whole, the U.S. is
really nothing special, and I
frankly don’t see why anyone
would want to be its President.
BOBBY (CONTD)
Unless, maybe, as a stepping-stone
to the presidency of some
other country, like Italy, or
Staten Island. Which, I realize,
is not a separate country, but
probably should be. The second
reason why I can’t run for
President is that, to be perfectly
honest, I have Mob connections.
(SUPER DEKO L/3: 2. I HAVE MOB CONNECTIONS)
BOBBY (CONTD)
This will probably come as a
surprise to my supporters in
the rest of the country, but
you people need to understand
something: Virtually everyone
who has ever lived in the state
of New Jersey, has extensive
ties to organized crime.
Including actress Meryl Streep,
(CUT TO: STILL FF: MERYL STREEP)
BOBBY (CONTD)
the Jonas Brothers,
(CUT TO: STILL FF: JONAS BROTHERS)
And inventor of the incandescent
light bulb, Thomas A. Edison.
(CUT TO: STILL FF: THOMAS EDISON)
The third reason I cannot run
for President: I am above the
legal weight limit.
(SUPER DEKO L/3: 3. I AM ABOVE THE LEGAL WEIGHT LIMIT)
It may be a little-known fact,
because it hasn’t come up since the
nomination of William Howard Taft,
but Article 2, Section 1 of The
U.S. Constitution clearly states,
in order to serve as President,
an individual must be 35 years of age,
born in the United States, and
weigh no more than 550 pounds. I
don’t want to say how far over the
limit I am,
BOBBY (CONTD)
but trust me, it’s way more than
you would probably imagine. The
fourth reason why I cannot run for
President: My wife won’t let me.
(SUPER DKEO L/3: 4. MY WIFE WON’T LET ME)
As most of our close friends are
aware, Mrs. Christie completely
runs my life. She has made it
clear that I am not allowed to
enter the race, so I can’t. But
even if she were to change her
mind, and let me become your
President, that would surely not
be what’s best for the country,
because I just can’t say, “no”
to her. If, say, she wants her
hairdresser, Angela Buccarelli,
named to the Supreme Court, I’m
telling you right now,
Angela Buccarelli is going on the
Supreme Court. End of story.
BOBBY (CONTD)
And if al-Qaeda should strike
us again, and Mary Pat doesn’t
think we should respond
militarily, because she has
something planned for us that
weekend, guess what, we’re
not responding. And again, I
don’t think that’s good for the
country. Reason number five why
I can’t run for President: My
other wife won’t let me, either.
(SUPER DEKO L/3: 5. MY OTHER WIFE WON’T LET ME, EITHER)
I really didn’t want to bring this
one up, but your relentless badgering
has forced me to. Happy now?
(PAUSE)
So there. I think I’ve just
given you five very good reasons
why Republican Party officials
should stop pressuring me to run
for President.
BOBBY (CONTD)
But just in case they don’t, and
in the event they finally wear
me down, I want the American
people to know something:
(BOBBY’S TONE BECOMES DEADLY SERIOUS AND HE EMPHASIZES EVERY WORD)
the day I announce my candidacy,
is the day you will know, I have
gone completely, bat-shit crazy.
So unless you want a President
who spends his entire first term
huddled in a corner of the
Oval Office, quietly rocking back
and forth, sobbing continuously, or
the first President in our nation’s
history to be responsible for a
hammer-murder, I suggest you tell
my supporters to just back off, and
leave me the Hell alone. I mean,
for the love of God, would you
please give it a rest.
(BOBBY LOOKS OFF TO THE SIDE SHAKING HIS HEAD IN FRUSTRATION)
(HE THEN RECOVERS, AND TURNS BACK TO CAMERA)
BOBBY (CONTD)
Thank you for your attention,
and live from New York, it’s
Saturday Night!!!
(ROLL: MONTAGE)
(MUSIC: THEME)
